A Word of Advice... on breaking up

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, June 17, 2004

Today's discussion came from the forums.

Me and my boyfriend broke up. I tried to get back with him, but he acts like he doesn't care about me anymore. What should I do to get him back?

--Hoping for a second chance

Trying to win a boyfriend or girlfriend back is like trying to win the lottery - the harder you try and the more you wish it, the bigger the let down when it just doesn't happen. Ever notice that most people who win the lottery really didn't expect it? Like J.Lo's mom winning $2 million on a slot machine, the best chance for someone coming back to you is their making their own decision on the idea.

Don't bank on it, but if they want another chance, consider the pros and cons and make a decision at that point. The more you try, the more desperate it looks, and desperation's a real turn-off.

Okay... here's my situation. I recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. Almost right away I started seeing a guy (#1). He's really nice, but he's not the one for me. Then, I started seeing a guy (#2) I saw briefly before. So, I went out with #2 Thursday, #1 Friday, #2 Saturday, and then hung out with my ex on Sunday. I kissed all of them.
I know, it's gross. I'm such a mess. I feel like such a bitch for leading all of these guys on, but I get so lonely and needy that I feel the need to either have people around me all the time or to make lots of people fall in love with me.
Now, my ex is thinking we're back together. Meanwhile, I've got two guys calling my house wondering what's up with me and why I'm obviously acting so weird.
I'm so confused and lost and frustrated and scared that this is all going to come crashing down on me soon. I have this huge fear of being alone and I have a really hard time telling people that I don't want to see them anymore. I'm a good person with good intentions that does bad things. What the hell do I do?

--Triple play gone wrong

A little background: this particular question, I was beat to an answer by a user who said that because she led these guys on, she owes them something. My answer basically is responding to that:

You don't necessarily owe these guys anything, but it's also unreasonable to think that just because you didn't *say* that you were in a relationship that everything's fair game. Besides, *you* feel uncomfortable with it, and that matters too.

If you're not comfortable, take time out, evaluate what you want, and move forward from there. This will require a bit of that difficult "I think we should just be friends" stuff, but a little pain now will ensure a much beter scenario a month from now.

Let me tack on this: you just got out of a relationship of 3 years... that's quite a bit of time, and if you were a bit unhappy (you ended it, so I'm guessing you were), it's not necessarily unnatural that you're looking around, and sampling the different options out there, if you will.

Kissing different guys isn't a horrible thing. If you were taking it a lot further than kissing, with a different guy each night, that'd be bad, yeah, but kissing's harmless, except for these pesky issues of the guys expecting something. But then, I guess you could consider yourself lucky to find three guys who actually want to turn a kiss into a more serious relationship.

Think about your best course of action, as well as which guy you really want to pursue something with, and make a decision. Or choose none of them. But if you're uncomfortable, then the best thing to do is to chill with all three until you're sure what you want.

I dated this guy for a few weeks. We moved fast, seeing each other 24/7, but we had so much fun it didn't matter to us. He would say I'm so glad I met you... I can't wait for us to do things together. He would always put me first and make me feel so special.
Then one day we were watching a movie and he was acting weird. He said I like you a lot and I still want to go on dates but I don't think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend -- lets take a step back. As he was saying this he was holding my hand still and he kissed me. I was upset and didn't call him for a few days.
I was so shocked. This came out of nowhere really. I'm tired of people saying he did this because he's a "guy" or whatever. I need a real reason. I saw him after our break up and he looked sad. We talked for a bit. He asked me how I was and just kept saying he was sorry for what he did but he just can't commit. He even kept rubbing my back and arms and while he was talking to me.
Why did he do this? Things were good and then it was nothing? I'm left from being with someone who said he was gonna do all this stuff with me in the future... to not even talking to him and it hurts. I want to call him but I don't think it's a good idea.
P.S. When we started dating he gave up pot.

--Missing him

The whole "it's because he's a guy" thing is total and utter crap. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a guy :) Women have done it too, and don't always explain their reasons either.

As for why he might do it, it could be any number of reasons. It's not something easily offered an explanation - he could be scared, he might have realized he wasn't interested, or it was a crush that's now ebbed, he could be listening to his friends instead of following his heart, it could be because he gave up pot for a relationship and that was a bad reason - and the guilt, and need for it, is overcoming him. See what I mean? And this is just off the top of my head.

Therefore, I wouldn't worry too much about the why right now. Instead, look forward to beyond this - there'll always be another guy... it's just a matter of getting over what you have right now. If he comes around again, you'll have control over the situation - is it worth giving him another shot? Or maybe you've found someone who's better for you anyway? It makes your options seem all the better overall.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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