A Word of Advice... on exes

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, August 15, 2005

I'm almost 20 and have been with my boyfriend for almost four years. We broke up at the beginning of the year because we'd been fighting over stupid things and felt we needed some time apart.

It lasted four months and we were pretty much seeing each other three or four times a week as we'd always said we'd remain friends. We started to get close again and the stupid spiteful things stopped.

We are now back together but during the time we'd broken up, he planned to get overseas as everything was "too much." He feels it's something he needs to do as he is now 21 and has never traveled.

He is leaving in six months and we are breaking up because he doesn't want to feel as though he's holding me back while he's gone because he doesn't know how long he will be gone!

I would happily wait for him but he doesn't feel the same. He knows I dream of traveling with him but is set on going alone! Why?

--Traveling the world alone

I hate stories like this, because actions have already been taken that I wouldn't myself do.

For instance, with six months to go, I would never, ever break up with someone over a trip I'm planning on taking. If the trip didn't go through, or if my feelings got too strong, it would be a really stupid thing to end things over. Of course, if the relationship didn't work out, six months is plenty of time to unwind. (Yes, a negative thought, but to be fair, there were problems the first time, and it's always possible for a new round of issues to derail a relationship.)

However, since the damage is done, I can't really help there. Why does he want to do this? Maybe, despite the relationship going well, he realized he still has some growing up to do. It's possible that during his period of reflection that he found things in himself that he feels changing scenery may help him evolve.

Maybe he just decided that a solo overseas trip would be mad cool.

Whatever the reason, he's made his decision. Sadly, he's left you out of the equation. He may change his mind, he may not.

Right now, he's putting himself before you, so you basically have to ask yourself whether it's worth waiting around for him to finally get through all of this, or is this latest jab against you a signal that it's time to move on, even if you're not entirely ready to. Right now you've got someone who's focusing on himself, and would rather spend the next six months doing something else - fishing, needlepoint, whatever. The red flag is waving.

Lick your wounds and move on. If he comes back, saying he wants a *third* chance, you can think about things, but make sure you're not only thinking about the both of you as a couple, but also yourself - after all, he did. Will he do this again? Is it worth that risk? You'll have to decide if that comes up.

That *is* an if. This could be it - he may have discovered this second time around that it's just not working for him, and this trip could be an excuse to bail. We can play those games, but it's not going to help you move forward, and that's really my best advice for you now.

Five years after you two started dating, he's not showing enough interest to involve you in plans, care enough about your side of things, or even at least enjoy the next six months in your company. That doesn't seem like a winning situation to me.

I hope you'll take a look around, see how many great people there are out there, and decide it's time to clean the slate and take another stab at the world of dating.

--Dumped by a computer

There's not too many choices here. You can turn down her offer of friendship if it's too unbearable. You can tough it out and be friends, so you at least have her around in that way. Or you can nag the poor girl to death, hoping she'll change her mind.

I've debunked the nagging idea in this column before (look for Dan's letter towards the end). In essence, it's not going to win you any positive points for a gracious break-up, and it just looks desperate.

The former two options are the best to choose from, and picking which one is really your call, based on what you feel will work best for you.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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