A Word of Advice... on exes

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, June 18, 2007

My ex-fiance and I had been together for 6 months. She gives me that feeling that she is the one and a very family feeling when I was with her. I've sacrificed many things and changed a big chunk of who I am to meet her standards.

But now we're broken up for 6 months, yet everyday I think about her more and more. She hangs up when I call, and she's just doing so many other things that hurt me, like giving guys her number when they ask after teasing them, and dating a lot of people. She questions my love for her, asking if I really loved her as her or if it was just for someone/anyone who cared about me at the time.

Many said that I should move on, and I have tried, just dropping everything and going out with girls. But yet I feel nothing towards any of them. I would do anything to get her back. But the way she talks to my friends shows she wouldn't give me the time of day, the chance, or have any sort of associations with me at all in this lifetime.

What can I do? I just want to be back with her. Why do I still miss her and love her so much? I'm still willing to change and do everything for her, and she doesn't have to do a thing but just give me another chance.

--Could I have an ex, Vanna?

Oy. It’s time to guide this ship back into warmer waters, stat.

First off, she doesn’t have to do a thing, period. She doesn’t have to give you another chance. While you may have extremely strong feelings for her, she unfortunately doesn’t share that, and trying to convince her just isn’t going to work. She’s mad right now at you, won’t talk to you, and she won’t get past that to give you another chance.

Furthermore, you shouldn’t have to change who you are to find someone who will treat you well. There are so many people out there, and each one has their own taste in what they like. The whole point of dating around is to keep searching until you find someone you’re compatible with.

This time around, distance did you in, at least in part. But the difference here is that she’s moved on. I don’t think she’s trying to hurt you by dating around; she’s just moved on faster. You should attempt to do the same thing.

One more thing about moving on though: if your attempts to date seem hollow and pointless, you may not be ready yet. But do get out of the house, hang with friends, and surround yourself with that positive energy. Don’t dote on this, because the situation won’t change as long as you’re hanging your head down about a lost love. Give yourself some time to heal from this properly, and before long things will be back on track.

--Quickie

Honestly, every time I see a question like that this question comes into my mind: “How do I fish exactly what garbage out of the landfill that I placed in my trash can last week?”

Why, you may ask? Getting an ex back that doesn’t want you is not only practically impossible to do in a way that would make a second shot work, but also usually a really bad idea.

So yes, you’ve got feelings, but what have you done to solve the problems that caused the initial break-up? Most people don’t have an answer. Therefore, unless there’s a really good reason and the problems of before are indeed resolved FULLY, don’t even try to get the ex back – virginity is not a permanent thing, but a good relationship can be, at least for your lifetime.

I really still have strong feelings for him but he said that we just need to be friends until Christmas or something but I can’t comprehend why. What should I do to get him back without bugging him? --Don't want to be a mosquito

Bugging him? You need to debug him – this relationship sounds more glitchy than the computer I use to write this column. (After 125 columns, I show a glimmer of my geeky tech side).

He’s playing with you hardcore. He’s not making any real attempts to give you the time of day. He’s letting his ex interfere with new potential relationships. He’s a great catch… but why? Find someone who will actually give you the time of day – something tells me you’ll have better luck.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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