A Word of Advice... on dumpsgiving

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, November 27, 2003

Today's discussions came from the forums.

My girlfriend of four years has gone way to college 45 minutes away and all of sudden, she does not know if I'm the right one for her and she is confused.
A couple of weeks ago she told me that she has found the ring that she wants. I'm so confused. She said that I did nothing and it's her. Could it be going away to school for the first time and the pressure that goes with it?
She has to pay 40 g's for her masters degree. Her brother told me that the day of her leaving she was vomiting. Can this just be too much for her now?
I'm just lost on the whole thing. She has given me no light at the end of the tunnel, only if it is meant to be it will happen. We got along well, fought like everyone else occasionally, but nothing serious.
What should I do? Give her some time and space to get adjusted to the new lifestyle and school? Maybe don't smother her or tell her I love her? I try to tell her how this makes feel and she gets mad and upset.

--Missing "the one"

45 minutes for some people can constitute a long-distance relationship. If she hasn't dealt with something like that before, with all the other changes going on in her life at the moment, she might not know how to handle it. The best thing you can do is to tell her you're there for her, and will help her in any way.

There's a theory though that I've mentioned in this space before called "Dumpsgiving," where a change in life, surroundings and so forth can cause people to rethink other parts of their life as well. People go through a lot of changes between high school, college, graduate school, and the merging into the highway of "the real world," as people like to call it. This could just be a reaction, and sometimes it's permanent, while other times it's temporary.

Ask her what's changed suddenly (other than what's going on in her life right now), and that you're willing to work through the problems - if you've been together for four years, I'm sure there has been at least one other problem in the past the two of you have worked through, and probably dozens. It's not a showstopper... just support her while she goes through all of these changes, and when things settle down maybe she'll see things in a different light.

I met a guy named Joe in high school and we dated for six years. We broke up mainly because our relationship was getting boring and I didn't love him in a romantic way anymore. We stayed broken up for 8 months.
During that time I met a second man named Jeff, who I fell in love with. It was exciting and romantic. I don't know if that could of been just because the relationship was new or because of how I felt about him. The reason I broke up with him was because he enjoyed checking out women a lot even when I was next to him. I feel insecure about myself, and when he did that I just couldn't handle it. Other than that we had about everything in common.
We have stayed friends and he has told me he still has feelings for me. Now I am back with Joe (for 2 months now) who I do love, but still not in a romantic way. He loves me more than anyone ever could. He treats me wonderfully, and has eyes only for me. I'm trying to get the feelings I used to have for him when we first started dating back but so far I have had no luck and don't have much of an attraction to him.
Now I can't get Jeff out of my mind, even when I am with Joe. I feel guilty, but everything is reminding me of him lately. I'm starting to get really depressed and frustrated over this issue and trying to figure out what to do.
Do you think it is possible to add the romance back to my relationship with Joe or am I trying too hard? If so how? Do you think I should give up on Jeff and try to forget him?

--Decisions, decisions

Both guys could be fine. Let's go through both of them, shall we?

Joe: You dated him for 6 years. I've answered hundreds of questions, and I've seen what's happened to you happen a lot: the initial sparks and chemistry that was there fades a bit, and that "honeymoon" phase of the relationship ends. But the question is: how good is the relationship overall? Does Joe treat you well? Are you happy spending time with him? Many relationships can turn into friends with some very special benefits.

Remember, people go through ups and downs in life - you can be more in love and then less in love with people, having those high-school-experimentation-like sparks grow and ebb naturally. But if the relationship is solid, and you both are honest and truthful with each other and enjoy each other's company, there could be worse things than having something that dependable.

And then there's Jeff: he checks out other women. However, he's in to you. It shouldn't make you insecure - it should tell you that despite his looking at other women, seeing that they have nice boobs or a great butt or that they have three legs, he still finds you attractive, has feelings about you and ultimately wants you. He takes a look at the menu, but he always comes home for dinner!

I'm going to have to take a bit of a shot in the dark on this, but hopefully having answered hundreds of questions will help:

I think, more or less, that you and Joe have drifted in seperate directions, at least somewhat, since high school. Between 18 and 23, most people define for good who they are and what they stand for. Sure, it'll change as they get older, but not nearly as much as the transition college life brings.

Joe might've survived the transition thus far without having changed his mind about you, but you could have. That could explain why it's just not doing it for you, despite the nice guy Joe sounds like he is. Jeff, on the other hand, is this exciting unknown with this annoying habit of looking at other women, and despite that you find yourself attracted to him.

How to solve it? Tell Joe that as much as you've loved the time you've spent with him, you need the chance to date around a bit. Reason? Six years is a long time, and you want to make sure that this is right for you. Then take some chances, like on Jeff. If they don't work out, you'll likely find yourself longing for Joe. If he's still available, you're gold. But if Joe's not the right person for you, you'll discover what you've been lacking by dating around, and you'll be happier for it.

There is a guilt factor in being this selfish, but then again, considering Joe's feelings for you, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be with someone who doesn't make you less than perfectly happy. After all, we do want the best outcome for the people we care about, even if it means going in a different direction. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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