A Word of Advice... on cheating?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, June 30, 2005

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 and a half years. The other night, I called his cell phone and a female answered. All she said was "hello, hello?" I could hear him say "stop playing, give me my phone back!"

I confronted him later and he said non one answered his phone. Now, I'm not stupid. But is he cheating or was this just a really sick joke?

--Who Is she?

He's cheating as far as truth is concerned, but cheating on you? Now that's a little more tricky.

I've had numerous situations where someone other than the person I expect to pick up the phone answer. Two of my friends are around each other enough that they just answer their phones interchangeably, especially when one of them is driving. They're both girls, and I know for a fact that they're not having a relationship.

Is your boyfriend cheating on you? Folks, we have another theme column - Let's call this one "Who the hell knows?" A phone call is not going to be enough to base that determination. Maybe he is, or maybe it was just a friend who was goofing around. The fact that he lied about it is suspect, but really it's not enough to go on.

I always therefore fall back on the question: why are you doubting your trust of him? Is there something else that went on, or are you just naturally jealous? Let that be the basis of whether to pursue this further with him.

--Dilemma after dating

He cheated on you, but you're thinking about giving it another go? Who the hell knows?

My answer would be dependent on a number of situations, not the least of which is whether he would ever, ever do that again. I personally would always have a bit of difficulty trusting someone who could violate my trust in that way. But many people will give them another shot, and some are fine while some see the same result happen.

The big question is whether you want to take that risk. It could have been a one time thing and never happen again, but the person could cheat again, so you have to decide whether it's worth taking another chance on that person and hope that things go well this time around.

--Weekly wonderings

Why is he busy those particular days? Who the hell knows?

In your situation, however, it is kind of weird that he's not being that open with you after six months. Whether or not he's cheating, I think a better question actually needs to be asked: why all the secrets?

He might not be cheating, but he might be up to something that's less than honorable. If he's working, that's one thing, but why not just say you're working? I think you've got more ammunition than the other letter writers in this particular column, but not necessarily for cheating, but just in the area of what's going on here. I think you've got the right to ask what's going on, and make decisions on how that goes.

--You've got mail

Voicemail password? Who the hell knows?

He may have given it to you so you could check the messages that one time, realized he gets important calls and doesn't want them deleted/played, and so changed it. He might have asked you for that favor and then changed it so you wouldn't get nosy.

He might be cheating. Who the hell knows?

I don't think that one action is enough to base any real decision on. Again, like I said to "Who is she?" it comes back to the question of trust. Is there something that happened that has sparked your questioning this round of actions, or is this just normal difficulty of trusting him? If it's a problem with you being able to trust someone, right it off as a quirky action. If he has a pattern or history of doing questionable things, you may have a point, and then it's time to ask him.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

 E-mail this page
 Printer-friendly page