A Word of Advice... on cheating?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, November 13, 2003

I have been in a relationship for the past four years. Recently things have been different. I was checking out a local Web site for picking up people for anonymous sex. You may be asking yourself why but I assure you it was just curiosity to see how many people in my neighborhood were looking.

Well, I noticed an ad that sounded very close to my partner's description and so I created an e-mail account and responded to the ad with a fake picture I got off the Internet. A few weeks later I receive a reply which as it turned out was my partner.

What do I do? Tell my partner I know and break up? Or ignore it and try to improve our relationship through therapy? I really love my partner and also we are living together and it would be difficult to leave until next March when our lease ends.

--Anonymous - just like him?

My twisted side seems to be offering the best answer, so as a famous national ad campaign would say, "Just do it!" Considering the tone of the letter, the pun is indeed intended.

Go ahead and make a time and place to meet up. If he wants to meet at his place, all the better. Then, when you show up, call him on it - you found it and you caught him with his pants down, so to speak.

I don't think therapy's the right answer here - he broke your trust, all because his nookie complex got the better of him. Why try to smooth over his blatant attempt at getting some? You can bet he's met up with at least one or two people here - why would you want to be with someone who's whoring himself out behind your back?

Therapy, counseling, working on the relationship - not worth it. He's violated trust deeply, and I'd put a classified ad out for a roommate ASAP.

--Is he cheating?

Before I tell you to call up the guys at Cheaters to investigate what he's doing when he's not with you, consider the following:

• Some people have friends they talk to on a regular basis.
• Some people become friends with people they work with, and talk to them while on vacation, or even after they go work for other companies.
• Some people can have girl friends without cheating.

While on the subject of Cheating, let me note that Cheaters is an awful little show but is such a guilty pleasure to watch. There's elements of humor to it, whether intentionally or not. And, like Springer, while you feel like trash for watching it, you can't help but view it each week. Their site has an airing guide, and low and behold it's back on in my area. There goes Saturday nights!

--Visiting for assistance

This deserves a qualified yes.

If people have to hide who they're going to be with and when, there's something going on. It may not be cheating, but unless it's something big like she's finalizing a business deal and has to remain under a veil of secrecy, chances are something bad is going on.

I say qualified for a reason - if you've confronted her on a number of occasions accusing her of cheating, there may be a more innocent reason, but she felt she had to lie to keep you from getting upset. If that's the case, it's also time for you to do a little personal introspection on whether your own jealousy is in check. Everyone expects a little jealousy, but not so much that every other guy on earth is suddenly enemy #1. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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