A Word of Advice... on cheating

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 2, 2004

To make a very long story short: Happily married woman meets wonderful single man at work. They make a great team at work (only over the phone). They start becoming pals. Then feelings start developing. He doesn't say but she knows and she asks. He says feelings are there but it's wrong. He says to just be friends because she is the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. Months go by and he retracts and gets more quiet.

She is going crazy thinking about him all the time, e-mailing and calling him just to say hi, just to get a response or a reaction. He finally blows and says no more feelings but he wants to stay friends because he believes they can stay tight as friends. She agrees as it is the only way to keep him in her life.

Works for him, not for her. She lingers and waits for a dreamy romance that will never happen, feeling guilty at the same time because she loves her husband so much and her husband loves her without a single doubt.

When she gets mad she e-mails him an ugly letter with angry words or leaves him an angry voicemail. These angry e-mails and voicemails are the best way to get his attention and get him back to her. He then calls often during that week. She feels like a million dollars again. 2 years have gone by. They have only seen each other twice since.

During all this time she has told him several times she wants to let go so she can get over him and heal. He refuses. He tells her to deal with the feelings, to put them aside just like he did. But this friendship wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for her, always e-mailing and calling first, always.

He is coming to visit her for 1 day. She knows and feels he wants nothing from her but friendship. She tried again to make him mad to break away. He almost let her do it this time. But no. He calls to talk and make things better. She says she is sorry to be so cruel, he says it's ok. He always forgives. And he calls her several times during that week.

My question: Does he love her at all?

--Rolling through the years

Advice columnist receives question. Seems like a Carolyn Hax question. Answers it anyway, despite the odd sentence structure. Has a blast writing that way. May do it more often.

My answer: He may have had feelings for you up front, but a number of evolutions could have happened. They may have been short-term, and have since faded away. This is most likely; two years is just a long time, and not acting on them and the amount of separation time would only aid that particular belief.

Having not actually dated, and not spent a heck of a lot of face time together, the chances are great he probably didn't give his feelings a chance to cultivate.

There is that potential underlying possibility that he does have feelings for you, but all the signs show that he cares about you as a friend, and if there's anything more, it's not strong enough for him to make a balls-to-the-wall pursuit effort for you. If he wanted you badly enough, he's had ample opportunities, and the fact that he's not letting you get away while still saying he doesn't want a relationship shows he's probably on to you too. He knows what you're trying to do; he still wants you to stay around anyway.

So, I don't think the feelings are there. But really, with a caring husband, why not enjoy what you can out of that friendship instead of trying to complicate things in a much more serious way by continuing to pursue this guy? I mean, what would you do if he actually reciprocated? Now you've really got your husband to consider at that point. He's got the right idea; follow his lead, but don't push him away...

Many friendships have been one-sided as far as feelings are concerned, but most who tough it out do so because the hurt caused by not being with them more is offset by the fact that at least they're in their life. Something to think about...

--Guilty pleasure gone sour

Wow - it's almost more fun to contemplate yourself fighting with yourself this much - Don King would be proud.

One side's going to win this one - either the not-telling part will, or your guilt will become unbearable and you *will* tell him. You might not be able to see yourself confessing, but the guilt could become so much that you'll tell just to release it - think of a dam crumbling after all that pressure after all that time.

The longer you hide this from him, the worse it might get; you're breaking the element of honesty on top of the element of trust, and if he *does* ever find out, your relationship won't have much chance of recovery. If you come clean about it, you might still have a chance, if only because you were at least able to admit your wrongdoings.

Could you marry this person, knowing you couldn't ever tell them the truth about anything and everything? Take some time to consider how strong this relationship could be if you could do that to begin with, and then not ever be able to be honest about that situation. This will likely set the stage for how strong of a relationship you can ultimately make with this.

--Once, twice, three times a lady

Busy busy. So, we've got a non-awkward, with the boyfriend over at stage left?

Letting time pass and having everything be normal probably won't happen. The two other guys and you will all know what happened, and the boyfriend is in the dark. How can you carry on normally when he's in the dark, and sex is involved?

I simply can't see how this can work, ultimately. Someone's going to slip, eventually, on what happened. And considering you had that threesome to begin with, and especially since it's not awkward, I get the feeling the boyfriend's probably the problem here, in that you're just either not ready for a relationship right now, or just not ready for one with him, either now or ever.

You might as well not leave him in the dark. It doesn't sound like you'd be losing a hell of a lot if he isn't up for sticking around after that. I get the feeling you'll be OK too.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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