A Word of Advice... on cheating?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 4, 2003

Today's discussions came from the forums.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. My boyfriend works with this girl. He is her boss. She has been working there for about a year and a half now. When they first started working together. My husband would talk to her on the phone for hours at a time. Whenever he said he was going out, he would always call her. I think I could count about 30 times a day where he would mention her name. He always tried to hide that he called her. He even deleted his call list from his cell phone.
Now even when he goes out, he calls her. When I ask if he calls her, he lies about it. One time I got sick, he went to a friends house, so he said. I found out he called her. Recently he came home and he had a long hair on his shirt. I don't think it jumped off her head and landed there.
I asked him why he keeps calling her and he says because she has a lot of problems. If she is having a problem wouldn't she call him. She is going through a divorce and is seeing this guy. Point. If she is seeing this guy shouldn't she be talking to him about her problems with her soon to be ex-husband? One time she called him and I was sitting right next to him and he didn't say much but he uses a completely different tone of voice with her then he does with me and when they hung up he called her babe. What the heck is that. I asked him and he said it meant nothing, he calls everyone that. One thing he doesn't call me that and him being her boss, that's not right. Is he cheating or am I paranoid?

--She's got his calling card

Man. This one's more complex than a rubik's cube.

First of all, it is definitely possible that they are just friends. That would explain the different tone on the phone (Do you talk to your friends the same way you talk to your boyfriend?). That could also explain the babe - I don't know a lot of guys who would call a girlfriend babe... not a really affectionate name, you know?

One thing that bothers me is you are snooping through his call list on his cell phone. If you can't trust your partner in terms of who he talks to and what he talks to them about, there's a severe rift in trust that has to be rebuilt or the relationship won't last.

And if he's not cheating, your being suspicious of him will still make him do things that will make you more suspicious. You keep asking him about this girl, thinking he's got something going on. She calls. He will automatically switch into a different mode because he already knows it's going to get him into trouble.

The fact that you keep putting pressure on him, and he denies it, means one of two things: either he isn't cheating and is hanging in there because he is weak and can't break off a relationship with someone who can't trust him; or he is cheating and getting two for the price of one.

If you think he's cheating, or even are jealous of the attention he's apparently lavishing on her, and it's not working for you, you should probably consider breaking it off. Even if he's not cheating, the fact that you can't trust him and you feel slighted will make this difficult to patch. Only if you're willing to keep an open mind and TRUST the person you've been with for two years gives this relationship any chance to work.

I suspect he's not cheating, because anyone who's going to cheat on someone with another girl will NOT bring her up 30 times per day. More likely he's developed a good friendship with her thanks to working with her, is concerned about her divorce (maybe it's affecting her work performance and he's trying to help her through it because she's otherwise a good worker?), and he's just being a good friend by helping her out. That's what it sounds like. If he's cheating, you wouldn't even know she exists until your trip to Jerry Springer's show. I'd say give him benefit of the doubt on this one if you can eke out some trust for him still. If you can't, pack your bags.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years now and lately it has changed. He is being secretive and he is always calling this girl that he works with. He calls her on her cell while at work and even when he's off or on vacation. I have asked him about it and he said nothing is going on. Do you think he is cheating?

--I've got no ring, but he gives her a ring

Despite the brief description, it sounds borderline. He works with this girl, and is calling her all the time. I'm on the phone with a girl I work with all the time too, but she and I are both dating other people and we ask each other questions about work, talk about work (and how boring it is), and so on. We're friends and so on.

But the secretive part seems a bit off. I'd be suspicious, but there's a little missing here. Does he go out to "spend time with the boys" a lot more than before? Is his interaction with you any different? Does he seem to be caught in a lie more often now? If those questions are coming out yes, I'd say with at least 99% confidence he's cheating. RESPONSE:

His job does not require him to call her during non-business hours, and he works the graveyard shift. He calls her and lies about calling her. He has changed with me. Our "bedroom" life sucks. I know that when a man doesn't have it for awhile and he gets it, it is faster then if he did it more often. And the lack of physical life we have it should take him 10 minutes when we get together. But he's lasting like he just did it. The days that he is working we dont do anything, when he isnt working( and I would say thats when he can't see her) we might have it. So you can go from that. He is always going some where more often then he used to.

Thanks for the additional details... that helps a lot.

You've signaled a couple of bad signs. The bedroom life has changed; it's not as good as it used to be (I'm sure he's enjoying it, but if you're not as much it's obvious he's just in it for him now). He's lying to you about talking to her and is not the same as he was before. It's obvious he's losing interest in the relationship.

If he is cheating, and it sounds like he is (especially now that he's going out more), it's probably good to confront him, but not about cheating: say you'd like to have a serious conversation with him. Tell him he's acting weird, is not as attentive to you in the bedroom, and seems to be gone a lot more. Ask him if he's still interested in the relationship.

If he blows you off, then you've probably got your answer. If he starts talking to you about it and you have a good conversation, then maybe it's just the initial honeymoon stage wearing off. Either way though, that conversation should give you enough signs that either it's time to move on or just time to try to find new ways to bring sparks into the relationship. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

E-mail this page

Printer-friendly page