A Word of Advice... on communication between the sexes

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, March 8, 2004

How can you tell when a guy really likes you?

--Keep it Simple, Stupid

To offer an answer as simply as your question: you can't.

Now the longer answer: the fact that people misread signs on a daily basis (of the "is he interested?" variety, not the "Gas, food, lodging" variety) is easy proof of my answer. Everyone, at one point in time, has thought someone was interested when they really weren't. At least, anyone over the age of, say, 12. Sometimes we're interested and we're looking for something... anything... that makes us think it's being reciprocated. For others, they may take a random hook-up and think that means the person wants more. You can go on and on.

What *does* help you tell? When you're asked out; when messages come through a friend. Flirting doesn't work - some people are natural flirts.

Your question, short as it is, makes me think you're interested in someone. Basically, do your thang, and if you're interested, be casual and try to set up a date. If it doesn't work, it's OK - there will be others. Rejection is something that many people, including myself, probably fear more than they should.

And yes, it's easier said than done to stare it in the face. But the other option isn't so friendly either: to sit at home on a Friday night watching reruns of Seinfeld just because you couldn't get the nerve up to ask someone out. (OK, maybe not, but you get the idea.) Sometimes, the bigger gamble can indeed offer the bigger payoff.

I was seeing this girl for about two months. We met at work and dated casually while I was seeing another girl. I broke things off with the other girl a week before our company Christmas party and ended up calling the girl I ended up seeing. We went together, left together and we had sex for the first time.
I was an idiot and didn't call her until I was going down to see another girl but we slept with each other the day after.
We decided early on that we could date other people and would tell each other (since we weren't using condoms) for safety reasons. Neither of us did, and right before she broke it off with me I told her I wouldn't see other people (which I hadn't) if she didn't want me to. She then told me I was single and that she wanted to take it slow (but we would still have sex).
Well that week I asked someone out, and I told her that I would like to hang out with her on Friday or Saturday (pending when the other girl could go out). She said yes, then asked who it was. I didn't tell her and then she said I was playing games. Was I?

--Sex in the City

Here's the dense side of me coming out. This girl breaks it off with you - you're now single - yet "she wanted to take it slow" and you two "would still have sex." This is the most confusing non-relationship relationship I've ever heard.

But onward to your question: If you're having sex with someone, and it's basically an open relationship, or friends with benefits, it's good policy that they're aware that you're out doing things with other people, unless they specifically indicate to you not to do that.

We enter the sexually progressive version of etiquette at this point: you both promised each other that you'd tell each other if you were going to date other people... you're still having sex. Maybe you're not playing games, but you're not being honest, and if she's continuing with the sex and taking it slow because she hasn't made a decision about later on, you're not playing a good hand of relationship cards here. You're basically indicating that you'll sneak around and get some on the side, without telling her, despite the no-condoms, tell-me-if-you're-going-to-screw-someone policy.

Speaking of etiquette, when I trip across fun sites I like to share 'em, so here's a fun etiquette site that can keep you busy between column updates.

I have this guy friend who I really liked a lot. He is now currently hooking up/"with" another girl. I've told myself it's ok because I would rather have him as a friend.
Why does this always happen to me? I really want to find someone because I've never really had a "real" boyfriend. I'm looking for someone whom I can spend a little more time on than myself. And sometimes now I find myself acting weird around him because I guess I still like him. I want him to be able to tell me stuff and have a good friendship.
Do you think maybe he knows that I liked him and that is why he won't confide in me about this new girl? How can I change that? I really want to be someone he can talk to more than he does already.
Why do girls always get worked up over this stuff? I could never figure that out about myself...lol have a good day!

--Date meeeeeeee!

It's time to debunk some myths. Get out your pens and paper, folks, because class is in session:

Myth #1: Girls are the only ones who get worked up over this stuff. Guys get worked up over it too... some do it with scorecards of how many people they've got, while others do it the same way girls do, sitting annoyed in their room while their friends are out with their girlfriends and so on.

Myth #2: Guys/girls aren't attracted to a person because something's wrong with them. While your question doesn't exactly go that direction, you're darn close with "Why does this always happen to me?" The answer could be a number of reasons - that you're not their type, that you're just getting the short end of the stick relationship-wise right now, etc. Sometimes there's no reason at all, but it's rarely the person itself. Sometimes an action might hurt someone's chances, but the most common reason a relationship doesn't happen is that one person's simply not interested for "not my type" reasons.

Myth #3: Guys are random with their confidence. Well, maybe most people don't believe that, but here's a question for you: has he confided in you on other things? I'm assuming he didn't confide to you that he was interested in that other girl. The fact of the matter is, guys are as likely, if not more so, to be careful who they confide in. He's probably concerned about who may or may not know (most people are), and that means choosing who he confides in carefully. If you haven't been around him that long, or haven't been in the trusted circle previously, he's not just going to randomly come to you, unless maybe a question to the tune of "if I gave you gift x, how would you react?" Trying to get him to confide in you is not an effort worth making - just be a good friend and he may decide to trust you later.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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