A Word of Advice... on communication

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, September 25, 2003

I wrote you before and told you about this guy I liked and that it was a difficult situation because we are both involved. Anyway, I wrote him this letter. After giving it to him, he hasn't said anything. What is going on in his mind

--Letter tells the tale

The letter was really long, and, despite my efforts to provide my readers with as much as possible, I just don't have the space to run the whole thing. And I think that's problem #1. You can't send a letter that long and expect a person to read all of it - I have to admit that I skimmed it, came back to it a little while later, ended up skimming it again, and then right before beginning to prepare this column forced myself to read the entire thing.

That's problem #2 - there's no real reason why I, or the guy you're interested in, should or would read it, except for you. But what if he's afraid, ashamed, unsure, etc. about his feelings (or lack) for you? You don't know; he might not read it because of length, procrastination, worry about what it might say, or even throw it away because he's involved, just like you are. These are the kind of things you need to do in person.

I found some parts of the letter worrisome as well... I'll quote what I need for those parts:

• I know I am no princess, I don't have beautiful long hair, I don't weigh 115 pounds, but I do have a lot more than that to give.
  Never, ever, EVER sell yourself short. You don't know what the other person's thinking. If they're into you, your hair, weight, eye color, foot size or anything else won't matter that much. There's just no need to point out what, in your mind, are flaws to someone who, in his mind, might find your hair cute or sexy how it is.
• When I was little, I dreamed of one day marrying the man of my dreams. A man who would love me for me. [...] I have been married twice now and both times were for the wrong reasons. If the right reason were to ever come along, and I loved him and was completely in love with him, I would marry again.
  I'm not a big fan of that part. While I believe in honesty, you're basically putting out the thread that you think he might be someone you'd like to marry... and you guys are with other people, and aren't officially doing anything with each other - even having a first date! That's a HUGE step for a guy to just take in a day or a week, or even for most a year! Sometimes it can be good to commit a sin of omission for awhile - it can sometimes help the situation and allow for a better outcome in the end.
• I just felt like I needed to say this to you.
  If you did, you should say it in person. I doubt he's read the whole thing, and since it takes until the third-to-last paragraph before you make the big point, I dunno if he's read that far... he probably stopped halfway through and doesn't know what to think, or his mate took it out of his hand and got all mad, or some other circumstance that kept him from reading it, whether personal, external, etc. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. That's the best way to go.

--Ringy-dingy dilemma

You know that you two both went to the same school last semester... that makes me assume that she did too. Is it possible she was just happy to see and/or hear from a friend that she went to school with? What makes you think that it was anything more than a friendly hello? She was interested for you to call her... maybe it was to continue catching up?

It's very possible you read the signs wrong, and that could be how she is or she could've just sent out the wrong vibe. But regardless, with a boyfriend in the picture, if you can't handle being just a friend, you probably shouldn't call back at all.

If you can handle being a friend, try calling in, oh, a week, and then if she's busy, give her your number and say "whenever things have settled down, give me a call." It puts the ball in her court and lets her play the next card, so to speak. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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