A Word of Advice... on communication between the sexes

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, October 28, 2002

Whenever my girlfriend has problems, she shuts me out, sometimes for weeks at a time. Is this something that can really work in the end? She goes through her share of problems like anyone else, but sometimes the severity and number of problems can mean it takes her awhile to even remember I'm around.

--Locked out when problems call

Uh oh - better get Maaco.

When something like this happens, a couple of things come to mind. First, people handle their problems in different ways. She obviously likes to sort of enclose herself and solve the problems herself. It's possible she doesn't want to linger over them by not talking about them, she doesn't want to freak you out with her problems, or just simply feels she can handle it herself.

But it's a bit worrisome when she can't rely on you, the person she would be able to trust the most, for advice or help. (She hasn't turned to me either, by the way.) While this might be annoying, it doesn't have to be a show-stopper.

The best way to handle this is to have a chat with her and tell her you get worried when she doesn't talk to you about anything when she's having problems. Tell her that you want to be there for her, and she doesn't have to go through things by herself. Knowing that you won't judge her should be a given, but then it doesn't hurt to reinforce that fact.

Some people have a lot of problems changing their habits for this kind of stuff though, so don't expect an overnight change, or a huge change at all for that matter. Whether she changes, or whether you can accept it, is something you'll have to gauge.

--Cautious flirt

He wants you more than that car he saw in Maxim this month.

At least that's what it seems like. But does it really matter? What matters is if you're interested in him. You've noticed him making eyes, and you seem to care enough to wonder if he's interested. Why not go up to him and talk to him? The whole idea that guys have to go after the girls is bull - Sadie Hawkins day doesn't have to come around for you to show your interest.

If you're too shy, you might never find out. If he's a shy guy (and ladies, they do exist), he might be just a bit nervous in approaching you for a variety of reasons: fear of rejection, not too experienced in asking out a girl, forgot to shower this morning… um, well.

Take a chance and get over there. If there isn't assigned seats, maybe you could sit next to him during the next class and see if that little move opens up the gates a bit.

--The one with the emotionless boyfriend

Because the moment they open up to a girl they have to do things like buy flowers and chocolates for her. Creepy. Actually, I think it's more the stereotype being looked upon as so true that people follow it. I know that in situations where I could've shown emotion, I've been "tough" and worked through it on my own, and I think many guys do the same thing. The societal attitude for guys is that breaking down and crying is like having a sick obsession with "The English Patient" - bad move to let your "macho" guy friends see this.

There's that group of guys who aren't like that and who will, when appropriate, wear his heart on his sleeve. Don't expect every guy to transform that way though. But in the long run, if you find a guy who melts a bit and at least shows his feelings for you, that can't hurt. I can't imagine women getting married to men who seem to be committed but just can't show it. Don't worry about it - if this guy sticks with you and does have feelings for you, maybe that whole chocolates/flowers thing will work in your favor. And if he turns to you for help every now and then, there's already cracks in the armor, as he trusts you for help and thinks you'll help him through something that's making him angry, frustrated, or sad. That's already halfway there. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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