A Word of Advice... on looks vs. personality

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, July 28, 2003

Is it possible to be attracted to someone's personality, but not their looks? I've had a string of bad relationships with guys who were really good-looking but didn't have a lot upstairs. I'm wondering if I'm looking for the wrong type of guys.

--Good looks aren't everything

Yes, it's possible to fall in love with someone over their personality vs. their looks. How do I know? I lived it first-hand.

My longest relationship came from someone I knew at work. It wasn't someone I would notice really... then again, I tend to not notice people randomly. I don't have bosom-cam or anything like that, so I'm not exactly looking for double-D's and then moving my eyes up to see or talk to what body they're attached to.

Anyhoo. She gave me her number after a long string of joking around, which she thought was flirting but was me being myself. My liking joking around with her and also liking the idea that a girl gave me her phone number decided to ask her out. After a couple of months, I found myself more and more attracted to her. I was interested in her through her personality, but I also think she's one of the cutest people I've ever met.

So yes, I do believe that people can be attracted to someone's personality, and have it work on at least a long-term basis.

But you had a second point. You're wondering if you're looking for the wrong type of guys. You run into people who are really good looking but their personality isn't what you're looking for. That doesn't mean if you go after people who you find less attractive you'll find someone more compatible than the hotties. And if you don't find at least some part of them attractive, and are just using looks as a guide to who to go out with and not at least meet someone and know their name, rank and serial number, you're really rolling the dice on an unknown.

There are over six billion people in the world right now. That means, more or less, there are three billion guys. That's a lotta guys. And considering most people end up marrying one (or two) people, it's a lot of haystack to go through to find your needle. (Ooh... that's kinda dirty.) Therefore, it's best to keep an open mind, and not alienate people because they might not look quite like Ashton Kutcher. Give people a chance. If after a bit, you don't seem the least bit interested, don't worry about it. If you are, you might at minimum have found a new friend, or even better, a potential boyfriend.

--She's cute, but I don't know why

No, you're not going crazy. You are, however, allowing me to open the books on a much-talked-about, but hard-to-disprove notion.

There is a concept going around that people of the opposite sex who become friends will eventually become attracted to each other in some way. I can't say that's entirely a myth.

At some point along the line, I've found myself attracted to quite a few friends of mine. One disasterously self-destructed when I asked someone out in middle school who was a friend, and we lost the friendship for pretty much the rest of time we were in school together. But like that one, many of my interests in friends waned. (There have been exceptions, like the instance I mentioned in the previous question.) However, there are MANY girl friends that I've never given even one thought about becoming a girlfriend. That space is really important to me too, especially when it comes to my track record of conversions.

That's not to say that it's not something to pursue. You've been friends, so you know each other. Unless she's dating someone, you might find a way to insert something into a joke to hint at your interest. Or, if you're like many guys, you've probably been so blatantly obvious that she likely knows. So you probably could broach the subject without harming the friendship. Just don't push it too much, and let it go if she turns you down. Proving you can keep the friendship going if a relationship isn't in the cards is the high road, and a good one at that.

--Looking for love

Well, LOL, you've written in to me, and that's the first step in finding the total package. Now send me your phone number.

Or. Instead of sending a phone number to a perfect stranger, you could simply look around a bit at your surroundings. Where are you meeting these people? Is it at a party, or just hanging out with friends and meeting people through them? Are you meeting them in circumstances less than friendly for making a connection that will last more than one night?

A friend of mine complained that she couldn't find any good guys to date, and she went to parties all the time because that's where she figured the guys are. The kind she was looking for might've been there, but mostly those who were there weren't going in saying "You know, I think tonight I'm going to find 'the one.'" More than likely they were humming R. Kelly's "Feeling on Your Booty" while looking for their next potential hook-up companion.

I've said it before, but hey - I can type it out again. Meet people by joining in on activities you enjoy. You benefit from knowing you have something in common. You benefit from not being under the influence of anything but your joy of the activity (a.k.a. the stupidly-put "high on life"). You benefit from meeting people on much more natural circumstances. But mostly, you benefit by meeting people where you can get to know their personality and their looks in tandem, instead of hunting down a hot guy and finding that the flame upstairs is barely flickering or that they're sweet but you have nightmares when you think about physical potential. Chances are better you'll find someone good this way than boozing up your friend's roommate.

Of course, now that I've practically accused you of looking for guys at parties, I know there's a chance that you didn't do that, but I couldn't resist putting out a broader message during my answer. If you've done all I've said above, and haven't had any luck, just keep at it and keep an open mind. The guy who you think might lack something in the brains department might just act a certain way because he's grown up hanging out with guys who act that way. Think of it like an accent you pick up if you've lived in an area long enough. Sometimes, people will surprise you. That, of course, could add to the mystery of it all. First impressions may be strong, but many a person has broken through that and shown sides you'd never have thought you'd see. Take some chances, and if it doesn't work, chalk it up to some good ol' fashioned learning. It's college, after all. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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