A Word of Advice... on dating

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Wednesday, August 6, 2003

I have known this guy for about a year now. Unfortunately I only see him about 2-3 hours one day a week. The thing is, he grows on you pretty fast. He's pretty much all that you could ask for in a man. Except he has a girl friend and I have a person in my life as well. I figured I would get brave, so I wrote him a letter from a secret admirer and he e-mailed me back wanted to know a little about me. I told him about me but not who I was. Not til we talked more. I asked him if he loved or was in love with the person he was with and he said he couldn't answer that right now. After several e-mails. I spilled it to him. He replied that he was shocked but definately not in a bad way and that the both of us should talk. That was a month or so ago he said that. We cannot talk when we see each other because I am with my other. He hasn't e-mailed me, but when we see each other he does flirt with me. What could be going on in his head? Does he like me or is he trying to be nice about it and not say anything? What should I do?

--Lovelorn and lost

This is a difficult issue, LOL, and here's why: both of you are with someone, are interested in another person, and won't take action. Some questions to ponder: Are either of you, or both, happy with the relationship you have now? Are you both willing to give up what you have for a chance at the unknown? Is the interest more in the fact that you do indeed have someone else, or that you have found a greener pasture and want something that seems better?

You're pursuing a guy, but you're dating someone else. Is that fair to the guy you're dating now? If you're not into him, or you think you've found someone better, you shouldn't string him along. Don't hang on to him as a security blanket; an option B if you will. In relationships and dating, there should be no option B - if you're not happy with what you've got, or other people would be better for you, you shouldn't be in that relationship at all.

Maybe taking the step of ditching the old boyfriend could make things easier. You're showing a sign you're willing to give things a shot with him. If he doesn't bite, at least you're not in a relationship that you apparently are already willing to ditch. If he does bite, you've gotten what you've wanted. Either way, you'll be happier. How could that be a bad thing?

--Is he a playa hata?

A red flag the size of Texas is being waved here. He compares you to other girls, and then won't spend time with you. He's entered "greener pasture" territory, which means he's looking around, seeing what's there, and not liking what he has.

What you need to do is look at what's happened. Has anything major changed in the relationship? Have you been paying more/less attention to him? Did something happen that caused a rift? And whatever you find, unless it was truth coming out, fix it.

If he's looking around, that means that he's not looking at what he's got now. Also consider whether someone who's looking around, trying to convince you to do what others are doing, is really a good person to be with. If he doesn't like the person he's dating as much as he did before, don't change yourself just to make him happy - that gives him all the control and sets a dangerous precedent. That's what I meant about the truth - if he's getting you to change because he doesn't like the real person that he's dating, don't become fake to solve it.

--Looking for better men

You've already found the areas that don't work for a lot of people. You've ruled out online dating, which is good, since you know whether that's your thing or not.

However, some thoughts: you've dissed 'nowhere' dates from well-meaning friends. Were they really well-meaning, or were any of these friends actually interested in you? Maybe what you thought was one thing was actually something entirely different? If that's not the case, we have other options.

Even in small towns, there are usually organizations, activities and the like where people have an interest (ex: sneezing festivals) can meet someone. If there aren't any in your town, maybe there are in adjacent towns. Explore what's out there. And even if you're in one small town of 100 in your general area, there's usually some place where people gather for different events, and not just bars - town festivals, the circus, etc. Assuming there's one of these within an hour of where you live, check that out too.

And if you're really far out there, even if you're in a good job, it might be a good idea to explore job opportunities outside the area, especially when the job market starts to pick up and employees are in demand again. If one major part of your life is missing, maybe a change of scenery can help that out. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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