A Word of Advice... on dating

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, August 14, 2003

I am a 21-year-old female, about to graduate from college. I have dated guys, but cannot honestly say that I have ever had a boyfriend. People always give me compliments on my looks. I have self confidence, and realize that I am a pretty girl and am intelligent too. I shy away from guys because I am just too grossed out to think that they would only date me because of my looks. Men attempt to get to know me only to be shot down, time and time again.

I yearn for a decent boyfriend, yet I refuse to let any man get near me. Nothing happened in my childhood to make me afraid of men. I can casually talk to me, and actually get quite a kick out of watching them squirm and get nervous when they talk to me. I start thinking about them, but the moment they make any advances towards asking me out. I latently give them the cold shoulder and do everything I can to stay away.

My parents are thanking God, while I'm home every weekend watching the dating shows. I find the entire ordeal of going to parties only to be poked and ogled by men to be utterly disgusting. Any advice to get over my past actions?

--Dating a tangible essential

There's one major problem with your question. You go to parties and get ogled. What kind of parties are these? Likely, they're parties with alcohol. I think it's a fairly safe statement to make that most people behave differently at parties than your normal meeting after class. After all, I don't know of (many) people who are drunk 24 hours a day.

At a party, alcohol eliminates a lot of inhibitions and triggers, at least for many, the nookie reflex. Hook ups are the goal of many at a party, while for a few it's trying to fit in. Most people are not their normal selves at a party, so this is not the place to be meeting people.

Furthermore, DATE, since people act differently, it stands to reason that the groping and ogling men you've come in contact with at those parties are not going to be acting the same way if you meet them, say, at the counter of the local 7-11. Instead, you should meet a nice guy by joining up in activities that interest you; some club or organization is probably out there that would be interesting to you. You'll meet people who have a similar interest, so you already have something in common.

And as for your looks, it's also a fairly safe statement to make that most people will approach someone based on attractiveness, so understand that many of the people who approach you will be acting on that initial "impression." Of course, it should be easy to rule people out. The nicer ones probably won't approach you with a line like "Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!" Aim to chat up the ones that are bumbling over their words, or approach with something more simple like, "Hi, I'm Josh. Have you ever read my advice column?" Well, maybe not that last part.

--Places to go, things to do

Good spots to go on a date are public areas where there's no home turf, so that both of you can be more comfortable. (ie: don't take someone to your house on a first date.) In terms of acting, don't be a jerk - be polite. Chivalry is underrated right now. And finally, try not to get anything stuck in your teeth.

Well, that's a quick answer. So, to fill the space and give you a little more entertainment, here are a few more bad pick-up lines (lifted from this great Web site - and avoid these too, PTGTTD):

"Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!"
"Do you want to see something swell?"
"You're so hot, your ass is on fire."
"You must be this beautiful (make hand gesture for small height) to ride the me."
"You remind me of Pokemon. I just wanna Pikachu."
"Hi, my name is Doug. That's "god" spelled backwards with a little bit of 'you' wrapped up in it."
And finally... "My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to."

If people are really using these, I don't think there's any hope for us left in society... moving on:

--Battle of the sexes

It's 2003. Do guys have to be the one to make the first move?

Well, maybe. Some girls still like the idea of guys coming up and asking them out. Other girls know what they want and go after it. Similarly, some guys are very shy and hope that girls will ask them out. But the fact of the matter is, I know a lot of "nice guys" who end up not going out on many dates for the simple reason that they're too shy, scared or both. So despite the year, whatever, guys generally make the first move. However, girls, don't get shy on us - feel free to approach us if you're interested.

As for making the first move, it can go either way too. Depending on how established the relationship is, by a certain point either could do it, and usually will. Early on though, guys tend to make the first move, although yet again I see an increase in girls pushing (the ones who know what they want).

Let me also note on the record that "the ones who know what they want" isn't a euphemism for sluts or anything like that. It's simply the fact that many girls have finally been able to grow up with similar opportunities as guys. And so now you have more of a range of girls out there, from the shy ones to the more aggressive ones, just like what you see in guys. Arranged marriages aren't the norm in today's world, and it's for the best. I think the only difference is that the aggressive girls probably do better than the aggressive guys - girls are programmed to shoot guys down. Guys are programmed to accept whatever's handed to them, within reason. Sorry... I've just seen it play out that way a few too many times. Those pick-up lines above don't help our stats. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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