A Word of Advice... on late bloomers

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 18, 2003

I am a year away from graduating from college, and yet in the last three years I have dated only one girl which was in the first semester of my freshmen year (she ended up dropping out and running off with a 24 year old). Since then I have had nothing but failure with meeting women.

I must admit that I am not the most outgoing person, but I have very strong with my social skills being the student councel president for my degree area. I have tried everything from online personals, and even networking with friends, but I have still failed to meet anyone who is interested in me.

To complicate things further I even hear talk from my family that they think that I am gay. I get even more frustrated when I see other guys with the brain size of a peanut, the manners of a barbarian, and who show absolutely no respect for a girl, running around with the most beautiful women.

As for myself I have always shown the utmost respect for women holding doors open and ect. However i am loosing more and more respect for women each day as i see them neglecting my sincerity and kindness, and going for the [beep]holes (pardon my french).

I also feel a lot lately that I have been taken advantage of in that all of my kindness is going one way, and nothing back. From this I feel less and less desire to show any girl respect anymore, but I really have no desire to disrespect anyone. Any thoughts?

--Where's the love?

Well, Tired, I fall into the same category as you on the surface. I like to think I'm of the friendly variety, hold a prominent position on my college campus, and struggled to meet women that would take an interest in me. Indeed, I have tons of girl friends but relatively few girlfriends, but have figured out how to overcome this problem.

The biggest thing I think that keeps a nice guy from actually dating girls is their aggressiveness. The guys who "show no respect for a girl" might therefore be able to approach women better because they just don't care, or they've been turned down enough, or they had five sisters who taught them the secrets of getting a girl to go out with them, or use such a cheesy pick-up line it gets them into a conversation about how bad it was, etc. Whatever the case may be, nice guys tend to be, at least in my experience, much more timid and shy when it comes to approaching girls, something you admit. They hold the door open, but they don't ask them out. They compliment them, but they don't invite them to do something one-on-one. The guys who succeed don't necessarily use politeness to succeed (although some nice guys have figured out this trick); they simply approach the person and be optimistic.

You have the social skills to talk to people as student council president for your degree area; use that to your advantage. You're not the most outgoing person, as you admit, so why not talk to your friends and have them help set you up on some blind dates? The horror stories with these can sometimes come true beyond even my imagination, but it can toughen you up in terms of being able to talk to those of the opposite sex in areas other than "let me get that for you."

I've been single most of my life. I'm 23. I'm mates with my mates girlfriend. In fact I seem to get on with my mate's girlfriend more than my mate himself. I go down to their house whether he's there or not, and I socialize with her.
For ages I've said to myself and numerous amount of shallow people, "There's nothing going on between me and her," and there wasn't, until we started flirting a bit then a bit more, then it was text sex. I can't deny I like her. I care about her; I miss her when she's not there. I get paranoid that i've done something wrong if she doesnt speak to me for a couple of day's,what does all that mean?
I'm only 24. Is this love? Is that what love is? She's told me she is love with me! What is the difference between in love and loving someone?
She says she is going to finish with my mate but that has nothing to do with me. I've said can't we just be friends, can that work?

--Love over friendship?

Text sex? I've never heard about cybering in such a sterile phrase before.

And I hope the age thing was a typo, or happy birthday is in order :) (I'm 23... I'm only 24...)

Onward: Yes, there's an attraction. Yes, she thinks she's in love with you. But... weigh the pros and cons.

Pro: You get the girl.
Con: At the expense of your friend.
Con: It might not work out, and then you lose both.

I've never really felt like it's worth stealing someone away from a friend, relative, etc. because it just creates complications. It would be different if she broke up with him, some time passed, and then you started dating her. Then if the friend gets all irrational, you can call him on it (such as "Dude - get over your feelings for her! It's been over a long time... this shouldn't bother you."). At least you have a chance at keeping the friendship.

But if she loves you, a bigger question: Why is she still with him? If she really had feelings for you, and stronger for you than him, she'd break up with him.

Doesn't seem worth it, unless she takes some steps to prove this love she claims to have.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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