A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, April 5, 2004

I met this guy 6 months ago and from the moment I saw him that was it! I don't normally believe in fate, destiny and certainly not love at first sight but something happened to me that night. I e-mailed him and started chatting with him. We finally met up and I do believe the connection was there.

We hung out for about a month, but he told me that he just wanted it to be casual and he wasn't looking for a girlfriend or anything serious. I was so into him that I was willing to take anything, as long as we were together. Right after this, he met another girl, he stopped calling, and only wrote me to tell me that we could only be friends, and he didn't want our friendship to interfere with his new girl. I was so distraught even though I knew he didn't want anything with me, but why did he want it with her?

Months have passed and he is no longer in a relationship, we still remain friends, but most of my calls and e-mails go unanswered. Most of the time he tells me he is just really busy, but I think that I am getting the brushoff and I have been for a long time! I don't know what to do to get over him. I think about him everyday and I can't seem to let go of the idea of being with him and want him to see me for who I really am, but I think in the process I have drove him away because of how passionately I feel.

I want to stop obsessing with the idea of him, and I just want to forget about anything that has to do with him, what should I do? I don't seem to have any problems meeting people, and I have plenty of friends and things to keep me busy. What else can I do?

--Hanging On For Dear Life

In last week's column I ran the question from someone who wanted to know where I had run off to, and why I hadn't answered the three questions that had been submitted. Well, I think I just found the original one - it's above; the others are very similar. Thanks for sending me an update, as that helped me make the connection, and if it's not yours, I still encourage that original letter writer to identify them and I'll attempt to get to them, or at least send a personal response.

On to your questions - I'll merge in the other letters where it makes sense to provide a more complete answer.

First, I don't think you have a chance with him. He initially told you he wasn't interested in pursuing anything more than a friendship with you. You ask why that other girl and not you - it could be numerous things. He didn't feel that spark with you, he may have had a "love at first sight" kind of emotion for that girl, she may have rubbed him in his naughty place just the right way - the fact of the matter is that there's really no way to know.

Unfortunately, you made the common mistake of putting your hopes in this working out later. While this has happened, it's not a guarantee and it's a more rare occurance. You asked me in your most recent letter:

I guess I was just hoping that if he spent time with me and really saw me for who I am, the spark could develop...right? Does every guy feel that it has to be there right off the bat, or is this something that can be developed with time?

The fact that you kept persisting to try to get him to hang out with you probably was a turn-off for him, because it would likely have come across as a bit needy... that's where the guy mentality kicks in. Guys don't necessarily need something to be there upfront - my first relationship was with someone who I wasn't *really* interested in until about two or three months after meeting them. It was a really slow build at first, and yet when I realized something more was there, I gave it its due course.

More recently I made your mistake - I put a false hope in something that really wasn't going to work out to begin with. (Advice columnists don't always take their own advice, which would in theory make them hypocritical, but more realistically it's because we're human like everyone else. We know what's right, but we choose not to follow it anyway.) Despite the "let's be friends" chat, I stuck with it. Things actually developed not once, but twice, but it ultimately was one-sided and now even a friendship's a struggle, and that hurts. I can say with certainty that I know where you're coming from, and have been there really recently.

If you want him in your life, as you said, you need to sit down with him, tell him what you've gone through, and vow both to yourself and to him that you'll let up on the hanging out thing (don't badger him, and he'll me more likely to attempt a friendship), take the pressure off, and most importantly halt pursuit of him as anything other than a friend. At this point a relationship is unlikely; too much time has passed and if there was any interest to have been developed it would have more than likely hit by now. It's better to cut your losses. If you don't think a friendship is managable, you've got a good network of friends, as you say in your letter - they can help you bridge the gap until the next great guy comes along.

--How Do I Know?

If they like you back, they'll pay particular attention to some random detail and bring it up the next time it happens, like the fact that you like chocolate sprinkles on your ice cream.

Devoid of that level of observation, you pretty much have to take the initiative. The number of "friends... or more" columns I've done indicates that one of the biggest questions is if someone's interested, and the unfortunate answer is that I can't really know for sure. Signs that people report to me that is almost fool-proof interest could just be read into by someone who's really hopeful. Conversely, a lack of interest that someone's portraying could be an act or just simply how they are around people they are interested in.

Ultimately, the only way to know for sure is to just find a way to ask them out. Or, test the waters by choosing a slightly more intimate setting to hang out. Continue raising the bar (mall becomes coffee shop becomes dinner out at a restaurant) until the intention is more clear, and if he's into it, and realizes you are, things will work out on their own.

Courage in asking someone out is understandably difficult for some people, so roundabout ways are sometimes more useful. But ultimately, the question that would come up is "Are you asking me out?" So that courage has to show up at some point. Be blunt if you can muster up the courage, or try the roundabout way and just be ready to blurt out a "Yes" when that inevitable "Are you?" question comes.

Make sure it's clear that a friendship is cool if he's not interested - no sense burning bridges on what sounds like a good friendship as it is, as long as you avoid what our previous letter-writer did. Friendships can follow a rejected romantic overture, as long as the person who's interested can find a way to make it work. Sometimes it's just too difficult; other times it's doable, and that's up to the pair involved to make that determination as time goes on.

--Confused Member of the Hopeless Romantics Club

Overcoming shyness is difficult, but setting can make the difference. Meeting people in a mutual place of interest, for instance, can help reduce the shyness because you can strike up a conversation more easily about a topic that you know you're both interested in. Environmental club members can talk about environmental issues, board game club members can strike up a detailed conversation over the finer points of Monopoly strategy, etc. That also makes it neutral ground, and generally is a more comfortable setting than around a lot of strangers at a party.

As for asking people out via E-mail, it's generally not a good idea. Rejection can come swiftly, or take forever, and sometimes the E-mail might get sucked up by a spam filter... or that could be the excuse, along with "I didn't get it." There's just too many ways for it to go wrong, and cause you to have to hunt the person down and do it in person anyway. It's actually better to do it in person and just rip the Band-Aid off.

Finally, finding out if a guy has a girlfriend's generally an easy prospect. Ask one of his friends. While you're at it, you can pick their brains for other details, such as what kind of girl he's interested in and so forth. Potential issues can arise with this method, such as the friend actually being interested in him too (oops!) or it might get back to him (double oops!), but it's worth considering. If you have conversations with him from time to time, you can also do the tried-and-true method: drop some sort of reference like "Do you partake in activity X with your girlfriend?" and if he responds "I don't have one" that's a pretty good sign. Of course, that can be a dead giveaway for most guys, but it's less direct than asking them out yourselves and if the guy's interested, hopefully he'll bring it in for a lay-up (my attempt to stay topical with the NCAA tournaments coming to an end as this is being written).

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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