A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, May 20, 2004

Today's discussions came from the forums.

My best friend is from the internet. He is amazing and we have been talking for about a year now. We talk via the phone and the internet. We have watched each other grow over the past year with pictures and such.
Shortly I am going to take tours of the college I am going to and it turns out that he has to go there for an interview. Well, we decided to meet up, which is not the problem.
My problem is this: I am in love with him and I am afraid of being so. I know he feels a little of what I feel... I just don't know how to tell him. He is amazing from this far away, meaning he'll probably be even better face to face.
I have been hurt many times before... I.. hell, I just don't know.

--Love without wires

Without having ever met the person, how can you be in love with him? Pictures, text, and a boxy gray AIM window aren't that sexy. Neither is talking on the phone. If he's amazing from far away, and then you meet him in person, hang for a few hours and go "How the hell did I ever like this person?" (like MANY online dating situations lead to) then you probably should focus your energy elsewhere.

Best plan of action: meet him, enjoy the time with him, and if things work out, meet up with him again. The fact of the matter is, even if you ARE truly in love with him, the larger percentage of the population doesn't bank a potential relationship on phone calls and AIM chats alone.

Therefore, the way the personal meet-ups go will be the largest determination, ultimately, on if a relationship continues or not... and then in-person meet-ups will become more important as a result too. So, this will be a dynamic shift in some form - focus on making that work instead of dumping emotional baggage into his lap, and you'll have the best chance.

Follow-up:

He asked me last night on the phone, "We're going to fall in love aren't we?" I didnt know what to say... "Oh yea Nate... I already am.." WTF do I do?

Try to hold back on the "L" word for now - it's so cliche to say it'll send a guy running, but frankly when one person's in one spot ("We're going to fall in love") and the other person's in another ("I already am"), it can send a relationship off-kilter. It DEFINITELY puts pressure on the one who's less committed. I know - I just had that happen to me.

If he asks that again, the simplest way to handle it is to say that you're letting things progress naturally - and if it happens, you could be OK with that :)

Follow-up:

Here's a couple of questions for you Josh:
Do you ever give bad advice?
How old are you?

I'm 21, and my friends say I give decent advice, and generally good advice. Enough of you are reading this that would agree with this, I hope, but I always welcome people to respond to the column. (The Ask a Question box can also be used to get me feedback...)

I think this guy likes me, he flirts with me and e-mails me and stuff. But, sometimes just suddenly he'll hate me or not talk to me. What's going on?

--Vagueness isn't a virtue

It's ALWAYS the short questions that leads me to want to ask questions of my own.

So - we'll go for the all-encompassing version...

If he's a natural flirt, it may just be how he interacts.
Everyone has bad days where they might be more irritable, no matter who they are - and that could explain the not talking or hating you.
He may be interested; he may not. It's not a negative for the girl to ask the guy out in today's society - parity is being achieved fairly quickly in the dating arena.

I dated this guy for a month and in the first two weeks we spent everyday together... which now I don't think was a good thing. He calls and says that he wants to hang out wants to take a step back, not be so serious.
Two days later we hang out all day together again and have a great time, acting like we're a couple. Then the next time we were supposed to hang out, he calls me and says I can't see you anymore... I'm sorry, we can't be friends because when we're friends we're not.
I never asked for the commitment... he kept saying that he was sorry and that I deserve someone who wants to be committed. I just want to be his friend and he doesn't even want that. I like him a lot and now my friends are telling me that I was the rebound girl because he got out of a two-year relationship four months ago. Is this true? It hurts that he ended it abruptly and when things were so good. Why did he do this? He promised there wasn't another girl!

--Back and forth

He might not really know what he wants - one side of him wants a friendship, but then he starts spending time with you... and he wants more, at least at that time.

Rebound is a possibility here - but give him time. He might come around as he realizes what he's doing. It could be other things here, but considering how short a time frame this all occurred in, taking a holding pattern is probably the best idea.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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