A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, July 23, 2007

I have a best friend that I adore. We always have the best time together and we know each other very well.

I have had interest in her ever since we met. She always comes on to me, touches me, hugs and kisses me, reminds me how hot I am, she gropes me when she is drunk, but we have never kissed. She knows that I’m attracted to her although I never try to pursue her. I take my friendships very seriously and I don’t want to do anything to ruin this.

She told me that she thinks we might be together down the road and that she loves me and is attracted to me, but she can only offer me friendship. I have trouble believing her when she acts one way physically and says something that is contradictory in a sense.

I don’t want to push anything because I love her. We spend a lot of time together, and I know if she meets someone else my heart will break.

--Sad sweet pea

The flirting thing can a bit tricky, as you’ll see when you get farther down the column (I answered the questions backward this week – ha!), but my advice to you will differ from the third letter.

She’s expressed an interest, and says she can only offer friendship. But you let her get away with it, since you’re not willing to make a move. You’re letting the friendship get ruined by letting her take advantage of your feelings with the groping, touching, “you’re hot”-ing, etc.

You need to make a move, pronto. You can’t just let her keep toying with your emotions like this; it’s just going to set you up for continued annoyance and depression over the situation. Friendships are good to protect, but this one’s getting away from you, because she’s in control and taking advantage of your emotional state.

Tell her you want more. The groping, touching, “you’re hot”-ing needs to stop, unless it’s time to get the relationship moving. If she want to stay just friends, she’ll listen. If she wants more, she’ll likely be turned on by the sudden growing of balls you have in this situation. If she ignores, you move on to greener pastures, because she’s not treating you fairly. It really is that simple – it has to be, or you won’t ever be able to get out of this confusing state.

--Awkward silence

As someone who’s had awkward periods relationship-wise, I can understand why you’re a bit nervous. However, seeing as it’s only been three weeks, I think it’s a bit soon to become too worried.

The age difference can definitely pose a problem, but it sounds like, at least currently, things are going well.

At the moment I would say enjoy the friendship, keep hanging out and see what develops. Even if a relationship were to not come to pass, you’ve found a very compatible friend right now, and that’s always a keeper.

Oh, and keep me informed as to what happens. I don’t say that enough here, and I love following up with those who send in questions.

--Mixed messages

I’m interested in knowing what came out of the heart-to-heart, because it’s leading to more questions in my head. Did she admit interest in you, or was she having fun flirting with a good friend?

Flirting is something many friends do. Some have a theory that friends are friends because there’s some sort of attraction. I know that just about every person I’ve met is friends with at least one person they had a past or present attraction to. I fall in that category too; I’m not immune. But that’s not always the case, and that’s important to realize.

If your heart-to-heart yielded a discussion about feelings that existed, then you stick around if you think things will develop. If she’s a non-starter and you’re just lingering around because of hope, either disconnect service from her completely, or just enjoy the friendship that you have and look elsewhere.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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