A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, August 13, 2007

I met this guy online. I was expecting a one night stand (so was he), but it felt like there was a connection made. In fact he kissed me good night when parting. So we met again. I was surprised that he asked me to spend the night. I shared the feeling with him that I felt a connection that went beyond something sexual and that I wanted to get to know him better and he agreed.

Suddenly he stops returning my phone calls. So I sent him an e-mail asking for some clarification. In his response he said he was not boyfriend material at this time. He agreed with me that sex without emotions is difficult. Then he met me, someone with whom he could have the emotional connection. He wants to get to know me better through activities, movies, etc. However, he used the phrase, "friends with benefits." I guess my question is if we are seeing each other doing things together not limited to sex, how is his version of "friends with benefits" different than dating?

I am of the opinion that he really likes me, but is frightened by those feelings. My gut feeling is that his version expressing "friends with benefits," is his way of taking control of the relationship and giving it a slower pace of development.

--Who does this benefit?

We’ve been covering the friends with benefits phenomenon here at AWOA for awhile now, and it’s apparently evolving.

This guy you’re seeing seems to be using it as a stepladder, which flies in the face of common FWB philosophies. Normally an FWB situation is used for fooling around without any attachment. But he sees an emotional connection possibility.

As such, I’d chalk it up to bad word choice, at least for now. But if he continues down the path and keeps avoiding a relationship, then you have a problem. The issue here, and this has been a continuing theme in recent columns, is it appears to be simply too early to tell.

I’m in the process of divorce and I wasn’t looking for any relationship. Then about a month ago I just happened to hook up with my neighbor. He has been divorced 3 years now and we see each other everyday. When we do it’s not always a booty call, just hanging out and having fun.
He really confuses me. Sometimes he acts like he wants to have more then just neighbors with benefits, and sometimes he says we are just friends. I don’t know how to handle this. He tells me that his divorce was mutual but he thinks he still has feelings for her. I really like this guy and I know that he feels the same but he sometimes shuts me out! What should I do?

--Friendly neighbor

The way you stated things in your letter speaks volumes. He *acts* like he wants more, but *says* you’re just friends.

You could be misreading the signals here, and I would chalk it up to rebounding. He also might just be looking to test the waters post-divorce, as you have. I would enjoy the intimacy for now, and then determine what to do when you’re ready to start fresh.

I dated a guy for couple months. We spent every single day together. I started to get bored with him; I needed space. He didn’t understand why so he thought I was cheating on him. I like him a lot.
It has been 9 months since we broke up. In the end I still care about him. We both started seeing other people but I’m not really happy with them. I miss him; for what reason I don’t know. Whenever I see him it’s like he wants to tell me something but doesn’t say it. The last day he wrote to me he said "I still love you" and he has a girlfriend.
So what is up with him? He tells me how great I am and so beautiful. Can he still have feelings left?

--Yo-yo love life

He could certainly have feelings left, but is feeling hurt by the way you treated him. For your part, you blew him off.

So really, it comes down to what he wants to do. If you’ve had a change of heart, you can see if he’s willing to give things another go. He might not want to, for fear that you might get bored again, and then believe you’re cheating anew.

One thing you need to ask yourself is even with the feelings, whether you’d feel like you would get bored again. You need to analyze why you’d throw away the relationship. It could be like the old Joni Mitchell song that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone, but it could just be some old-fashioned jealousy – he found someone and seems happy, while you’re obviously not with your choice.

You don’t know why you’re missing him; I suspect it’s because you want something different. I’d advise to look for a different different.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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