A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, September 4, 2003

I have a girl I really like, and have for awhile, but she wants a non-exclusive relationship. I do not consider that a relationship. However, there is another girl who I also like who I would like to pursue a relationship with. She even is in some of my classes. Which girl should I pursue?

--Time's wasting on

What's the problem here? You can pursue both if you really want, TWO.

The first girl is offering you a chance at an open relationship. If you accept that option, you can still ask out girl #2 and date around - so that's OK. If you turn down the open relationship to pursue the second girl, that's OK. In other words, it doesn't matter what you do about girl #1 - girl #2 is fair game either way!

Pursue both if you want, just being clear up front to both of them that you'd just like to date around for a little bit. Girl #1 is accepting of that, and if girl #2 is as well, you've got it made. You've also earned my jealousy.

I met this guy a few months ago. We have the same upbringings and a lot of common ground regarding our values. We can talk for hours about everything and feel strangely comfortable around each other (He can iron his shirts and fold his laundry while talking to me at the same time when I was at his place). However, not too long after we first met, he said something like he wasn't attracted to me. So I really didn't think much of it.
Lately we've been spending more and more time together, we IM each other or talk on the phone almost every night and know every single little thing about each others life. Lately he's been very touchy feely with me and I do not know if he's interested in being more than friends or not. However, I am attracted to him. We are both very shy people and I'm not sure what he is thinking.
What I should do about this situation without ruin our friendship?

--Very confused woman

He's waffling like a teeter-totter. At least, that's how it seems from your description.

It's odd that he would say early on that he wasn't attracted to you. I wonder if he was testing the waters about if you had any feelings for him. It's also possible that his feelings about you have changed - "like at first sight" isn't exactly a requirement for someone to fall for someone - people who have been friends for years have taken the step of starting to date in the past because things just evolved.

So, in this case, you have to get out of shy mode for a moment, and during one of these incredibly long and personal conversations you have, get the ball rolling. "Where is our friendship going?" is a good first question to ask. Is he touchy-feely because he's comfortable with you as a friend now, shyness melting away in favor with having a good friend? Or is he starting to find you more attractive and is thinking maybe he should try to take back that line?

Maybe he's shy about being attracted to you, doubled by his stupidity and saying something like that to a friend. Or maybe he's not - he's just warmed up to you as a friend. Only he can know, so you need to open up the conversation. Keep it light, and whichever way it goes, the friendship won't suffer.

I spent 5 months with this girl who also works along with me. Initially, she showed a lot of interest and induced me to spend time with her for long hours. We daily spend time during lunch and tea time for hours together so happily alone. We have also have gone outside, and she was so free with me. She too gave me central importance among others and she was so affectionate towards me. Three weeks before, I expressed my love to her. Then she totally ignored me. When I asked her she said she does not have such feelings with me. Now our conversation is purely official point of view. She does not even consider to even greet me, generally. I am deeply wounded and depressed by her attitude. I do not know whether I should pursue her or try to forget her.

--Friend or foe?

I tried not to edit your letter too much, because methinks you've tried too hard to make this situation (and your question, for that matter) more eloquent than it really is.

You admitted you like her (or did you really say love, which is kind of strong to just throw on someone), and she turned you down flat. Now she's treating you less like a friend and more like an acquaintance. No, you should not pursue her - her signals are as clear as the fact that dynomite, when detonated, will cause an explosion.

However, you can save the friendship, if you'd still like to have her around. Don't waste one more second - next time you see her, say you'd like to clear some stuff up. Before she can get all hostile again, simply say that you told her, but you didn't want to affect your friendship, and having you in your life as a friend is still very important to you. Also say that you're sorry if you threw a lot on her at once, and if she needs her space for awhile, she should have it.

This was advice I wish I had followed when I was in high school (and, for a piece of middle school too). I asked a girl out, and she turned me down flat - and then it affected the friendship. Occasionally, I'd crack a comment in a class we shared. She'd make a comment, I'd say in a less than subtle way (but not directly, of course - it's high school, after all) that the offer was still open, and she'd always turn me down flat. Of course she got annoyed eventually, and our friendship was shattered until senior year, where we rebounded a bit friendship-wise but it wasn't the same. I blew it and lost her as a friend altogether for three years.

In other words, don't make the same mistake I did. This is especially important if she's important to you, as this friend was to me. You've spent a lot of time together, you got along great - don't let this just blow by and hope she'll come around. Or worse, nag her until she hates you for a good long time. It's time to save the friendship if you think it's worth saving. Act now - supplies of her patience are limited. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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