A Word of Advice... on crushes

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, September 10, 2007

It started last year: my best friend John and I liked the same girl during midterms. I got to know her a lot better, and found out she liked him back, so I hooked them up being the nice guy I am.

It turns out I had a chance, but never took it. It was more like I'd been dating her, but it's changing and it bothers me. I know she’s not mine, but she calls me her best friend but then doesn't care sometimes.

I really do love her and could never hurt them, but I can’t get over her. Overall it seems like she’s playing with me at times, and it’s not right for me to be this desperate even though I know she doesn’t love me back. I want to get over it but can't and it bothers me. I have had physical relations with her... and they are just starting to. It also changed recently when her parents started liking him, and not me.

It just seems I have no place in her life anymore, and I just wish I could be with her. I don't know how I can ever get over her as it is, and I really can’t just not be friends with them anymore.

--Depth perception?

This situation really sucks man, and I’m sorry you’re caught up in it. I feel for you.

You’re fighting a few uphill battles here. For one, you’ve handed her the chance to be in a relationship with someone else, and she took it. Their couples time will undoubtedly cut into hanging with friends time, especially while the relationship is new.

Then there’s that pesky little detail of the previous attraction to you and the physical relations you two have shared.

Chances are she’s running hot and cold because while she is (or was) interested in you, she also knows that you must have had something invested in her or you wouldn’t have wanted to fool around. She doesn’t want to risk what must be, at this point, a good relationship.

As long as you keep things friendly and don’t push her to get with you instead, she’ll be around and you’ll at least have that. If things fail with your friend, see where things go at that point. But for now, just be a good friend. To do otherwise, just because of how you’re feeling at this moment, will shoot down both friendships permanently.

--Crush curiousity

Maybe. How’s that for an answer?

It’s hard to gauge. The 4th grade guy may be interested, or he might have just matured somewhat and now appreciates you as a friend. Flirting doesn’t always mean interest, because let’s face it, flirting is a lot of fun. But you can always test the waters by inviting him to do something (movie, bowling, etc.) one on one and see what happens.

As far as the guy complimenting you, that’s not that bad a sign, but still… maybe. Again, if you’re interested, test the waters. You have to plant a seed to get flowers. Or chocolates. Invest a little into getting to know them better and you should have more obvious ways to tell if they’re interested.

--What to do?

Congrats on working up the courage! It’s not easy to approach someone you’ve got a crush on, for fear of bad word choice, looking dumb, the risk factor, etc. She even talked to you a little bit. However, since this was an isolated incident, she’s got nothing invested in you. Here’s this guy who came up and chatted with her, and OK, she chatted along, but you haven’t established a rapport yet.

If she responded the first time, you have to do it again. And again. And again. Build a friendship with her. Over time she’ll have something invested if she decides to continue talking to you. If she doesn’t, cut your losses and move on. If she does, you have a better shot.

A friendship doesn’t mean a relationship will follow, but if she doesn’t notice you right now, it’s a good start.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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