A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, September 17, 2007

I started liking this guy at work. We started talking and what not. He invited my friend and I to a party that he was having. A little while after that he gave me his number and said I should call him. The day of the party, I spent the whole late afternoon with him after work and then went to the party.

After the party was over I went to his room to go to bed. Things happened but we did not have sex. In the morning he said it was fun, but before we did anything, we talked. I had told him that I liked him and he said that he knew. I asked him if he would like it if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and he said he thinks he would like that.

The problem is he will be moving in about six months. I asked him what would happen then. He said that he would go up there and set us up a house. We did our things and woke up in each others arms. The cuddling was great and amazing.

We talked and flirted a little more and what not. I would ask him out and he would agree but we never ended up going out. I finally was fed up and asked him what was going on. He said that he thought that we both knew that we were just friends. He told me that he's moving and doesn't want a commitment.

He said that we couldn't be friends because of feelings. I really like him. What should I do?

--Looking for love

In the glow of meeting someone, sometimes people think optimistically before reality sets in. I think that happened here.

Here’s a guy who met someone he’s into, and after a few days he starts to wonder how he could possibly keep this going after he moves away. He probably is backpedalling now because he doesn’t want to risk a problem later.

He may have a change of heart; some people decide they can handle LDRs. But don’t hold your breath; he’s likely cutting his losses now before he falls deeper. If he changes his mind, and you’re still available, then it’s time to decide whether it’s worth it. For now, I’d look elsewhere.

My neighbor and me met almost two years and were friends with benefits. He made the first move asking if I was into friends with benefits. I said yeah. He asked if he could kiss me and I said yeah. The thing that bothered me is that his best friend was there and he was always there when we were doing something. He told me about his past friends with benefits relationship and he broke it off because the girl wanted more and wanted to have sex with him.
Last year he was at my house flirting with me and started to touch me. He whispered in my ear if I wanted to and I said yeah. That’s when I lost my virginity.
I sometimes think he’s using me while going and flirting with other girls and going out with them. Sometimes I feel like breaking it off. Why did he have sex with me not the other girl he was with?

--Questionable actions

To directly answer your question first: he probably slept with you because you continued to honor the no pressure situation, not the other girl. But he *is* using you, because he’s taking advantage of the no-strings sex while also getting some from others.

If you feel uncomfortable with the situation, especially if you want more, you have to tell him you’ve hit the point where it’s all or nothing. If he opts to start a real relationship, good for you. If not, at least you can find someone who wants you, not just some sex.

Does it make me a hoe if I sleep with DJs when I know that it’s never going to get me anywhere with them other than their bed and that is about it?

--Quick question

Does it make you a hoe? Nah. Does it rank you on the slutcom survey higher than a 1 or even a 2? I’d say that’s correct.

Sometimes you meet a hot guy or girl behind the turntables and the allure of someone who’s that good with their hands (look at them scratch that record!) makes you want them. People in a position of power, in this case getting hundreds to move to the beat, can be quite attractive. They also get hit on a lot, no doubt unless they are ugly as sin.

As such, if you’re entering the fold not expecting little from them, and the feeling’s mutual, I don’t see a problem here. On the other hand, if you’re doing it and hoping for a long-term thing, you’re in the wrong place.

By the nature of your question though, I don’t see a relationship as your end game. So play safe, have fun, and avoid the vinyl – it can get sticky.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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