A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, September 22, 2005

Me and my ex broke up about a year or so ago and he moved on. He is a pretty big loser but I love him. He was my first. I'm doing really good and going to college. He called me and wanted to be friends. I was like cool. He was living in Vegas, he recently came back and wants to be friends with benefits.

Do you think by any chance he will want to be more even if it's using me? I would so appreciate it if you could help. Lots of love!

--Use me, don't lose me

The simple answer: I haven't a clue.

The more complete, useful answer: after being in a relationship with him, you have been apart for a year. He left, came back, but instead of wanting a relationship he just wants to fool around. Does this bode well for the potential of a relationship? No. Does your being willing to let him use you bode well for it evolving again? A much bigger no.

Does this mean it can't happen? I suppose there's a chance, but really if he wanted that at the moment he would've asked for it. If he can ask for a hook-up, he can ask for a relationship.

What concerns me with this situation is you're looking for something more, and he obviously isn't right now. And that really forces the question: can you deal with it not ever evolving? If so, don't dive into this pool - you're only setting yourself up to be hurt. If you can deal with it, have fun, but just keep in mind there's a really good chance this doesn't go farther than the bedroom.

--Play it cool?

As long as the longer version isn't a karaoke version of "Isn't She Lovely," I think the second option works a bit better.

If you play it slowly, you might be on a plane or ship to some random destination before you ever get an answer. Further, you might get vague signs that will send you writing to me. Trust me on that one, my inbox is full of them, to the point where we'll tackle the topic yet again next week.

Asking her outright gives you a more direct way to check things out. If she says no, then you haven't lost anything, because you're back where you started. If things, however, are able to work themselves out again, you've got a full 10 months to enjoy before heading off.

When it comes right down to it, with a relatively short period of time before heading off, and your interest in something more serious, is it worth spending weeks, or months, playing games before finding out for sure? It's not going to leave much time if things do work out.

If it doesn't work out, don't get discouraged; keep your particular needs in mind, and then look elsewhere to keep the hunt going. There will be others who share your desire for a good relationship, and you'll end up meeting someone else.

--Wants to move up the ladder

Ask her. Yes, it's that simple.

She may or may not know about your interest. It's that unknown that leaves this someone hazy, a problem that would plague the previous letter writer if he simply played the game. By asking her, you can find out if this is something you might be able to develop or if you should look elsewhere.

Really, that's how you can make it drift out of the good friend status, because ultimately, it takes two to tango, but it also takes two to date. If she's not into you, there's no way to elevate this at this time without it getting ugly. If you get a firm no, do what the telemarketers do: dial the next number.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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