A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, October 27, 2003

I have a question very similar to another situation you answered. I knew the guy in high school but just as an acquaintance and then in 2001 a mutual friend heard from him and they dated for 9 months. I, in turn got to know him better through my friend as well.

Approximately two months after they broke up he began to come around to visit quite often and we would go out for coffee together a lot and talk etc. Most times when we returned (unlike the other girl who wrote in) he would come in and we would talk for awhile. So, we did this for approx. 4-5 months and then we went Christmas shopping together and he made my day this past Christmas because he was the first person to call me on Christmas morning and he said I am coming to see you too. So, before he left I said come here and I gave him a hug. Before he left he said I will come and get you tomorrow and we will go snowmobiling (we did). Things continued good for about three more months and in these three months he asked he asked me to do a lot of things with him including going to meet his Mom, come for supper at his place and going to a wedding with him just to mention a few things.

Here comes the confusing part: The things I just mentioned above (the stuff he asked me to do with him during those three months) never ended up happening! He initiated all of them. This past September he went away to school and before he went he came to tell me and he said "I am not going to like the distance at all" (he is 14 hrs away) and I said well neither am I - but also in the 3 months prior to him leaving he only came around like three times. (In case you are wondering why he is always driving and coming to me etc. it is because I am physically challenged; this is another drawing point because he has NO problem with assisting me.)

Since he has been at school we have talked a lot. I asked what happened to him all summer and he replied that the last couple of months he was worried about leaving and that he had spent a lot of time at a friends house (female) before he went to school, but he has never said they were together. I knew that he had done some things with her as well because he openly told me... ag!

Is he in to me in more then a friendly way and is too scared to say? I am a little hesitant to do this as well because I do not want to put any strain on the relationship that we have.

--In need of some help

Lots to go over here, and I'll be doing a bit of a tally as we go. I guess you can call it a side effect of all the sports I've been watching lately (New England viewers have certainly had quite their fill of sports, and have been let down quite a bit), but some sort of scoring system just seems like the way to approach this.

• You went out for coffee and talked awhile afterwards. 2 points.
• First to call for Christmas. 1 point.
• Came over and visited afterwards. 3 points.
• Went snowmobiling the next day (and forgave you for a minor mistake, which I had to edit out of your question for length reasons but I'll mention it here). 5 points.
• Ambitious plans to do other things, like meet the mom. 1 point.
• Basically ditching out on you (why, you didn't say - did you know?). Score reset. That's pretty mean to do a number of times.
• Very caring and good to you considering your situation. Tons of bonus points.
• Ignored you the last three months before you left (intentionally or not, again, I don't know) in favor of fooling around with this girl. There goes the bonus points.

Like any human, he's got his flaws. I just get the feeling he just doesn't know that you're interested in him. Especially with the distance, and the fact that he was friendly, but prioritized a fling over you, I get the feeling he sees you as a friend. If he sees you as a possibility for something more, that's great, but I don't know if he senses anything from you on that end.

My gut says he's not interested, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take a chance anyway. The likelihood of a returned interest is probably smaller than it would have been a year ago though - Christmas is approaching already (signs for Santa's return are ALREADY showing up around my mall), and being around someone for over a year without any sort of possibility of something more can shun you into that "friend zone" we always hear about.

Furthermore, he's 14 hours away, and a lot of people either can't handle a long-distance relationship or just won't attempt to get into one. They can work, especially if the distance is temporary, but there has to be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel - eventually the distance has to disappear, or a feeling of hopelessness infects the relationship.

Still, if he's interested, that doesn't mean he'll say no, so give it a shot while leaving the door open to continue the friendship. The local lottery's slogan used to be "You can't win if you don't play." A modified version of that really fits this question, as many others I get: "You can't end up with the person you really want to be with if you don't ask."

--What's in a name?

What's the difference without the title? Commitment. That big ol' C word that makes guys under the age of, oh, 25 usually quiver in their boots.

By not having the title, he has the freedom to see other people. While that might not be his intention, I've developed a bit of a cynical taste in my mouth over the past year writing this column. I've answered a number of letters from women who are dealing with guys who want open relationships and so on. I don't quite get that vibe here, but then again he wants you and only you and he won't take it to the next level.

If he's not willing to commit, you shouldn't either. It's not right to string someone along like that, and convincing a person isn't going to guarantee success. In fact, it'll only increase the chance of failure because one of the two people weren't whole-heartedly into the idea to begin with. You can give him some time, but don't bet the farm on it - keep your options open unless he's willing to commit. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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