A Word of Advice... on crushes

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 11, 2003

Today's discussions came from the forums.

I fell in love with this guy at school. We got along really well as friends but then he found out I had a crush on him and he started treating me badly. I became obsessive and all I wanted was his love. I carved his name in my wrist too because it started to feel good and I've thought of killing myself a lot. I just want to find a way to get out of all of this. Please respond if you have any advice!

--Dangerous crush

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having these problems. Two points come to mind:

1. If a guy finds out he likes you and starts treating you badly, he's NOT worth your time. You deserve someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

2. Get some help. Quickly. If you're in a state of depression over this, or this spurred on a state that's existed for some time, there are ways that you can be helped with these circumstances. Your life is worth more than some jerk's time. Check out this support site for one good avenue to get help with depression.

I have a male best friend and we have known each other since 4th grade but started to hang out as friends two years ago. From day one our relationship has been full of a lot of flirting. He is super protective of me and always has an eye on me when I talk to other guys. He has been with so many girls in the past two years I have lost count yet he always tells me "at the end of the night you're the one I come home to" (we have never done anything together sexually - just a couple of drunken kisses).
I am at the point that I am sick of having feelings for him and him not making a move to pursue the relationship. I feel it is partly my fault because I told him he reminded me of my ex and that i would never get with another guy like that. He has told everyone that he wants a girl like me and when they say well how about her he says she's not my type. But the way he is with me tells me I am.
What should I do? What do you guys think about this? Should I just be friends with him and forget about being more? Plus I really don't have the courage to tell him straight up how I feel.

--Friendly flirts

Try to tell him in more subtle ways how you feel, so you don't have to tell him straight up. Get creative... instead of telling him how you feel, ask him to dinner or something like that. Find a way to create a more romantic setting between the two of you and see if that creates and sparks. And I agree - if he's telling people he wants someone just like you, but yet you're not his type, he's either shy, hiding it, or something of that nature.

I have a huge crush on my best friend. She has everything I've looked for in a girl from a beautiful personality to a beautiful smile. We both are into acting. When I'm with her I get chiils and I am so happy. I don't know if she likes me but she has leaned on me once when we were laughing together. And I tell her sweet dreams when ever we speak on the phone at night and she says the same to me. We always compliment each other. I even got her a card on valentine's that said
"With every moment we share, every smile, every touch
I become more certain that in you, I've found something
I've been looking for in a long time. I don't know what the future holds but I do know how your touch excites me and how happy I feel when I'm with you and for now that's more than enough"
She didn't mind the card cause we're still talking.
Do you think the card says enough? Does she get the intent that I like her or should I write her a letter and spill it all out? I'm just scared to lose this new freindship which i cherish so much.

--Looking forward to Hallmark memories

Good memory on the Valentine's card. I can't even remember what my Christmas cards say, 24 hours after buying them.

Take a chance. Ask her out. If you are getting vibes she might be interested, and you definitely are, give it a shot. Just make sure you leave the friendship door open if it doesn't work out. Many a friendship has survived that kind of thing, and the risk is small enough vs. the potential of a great relationship with someone you already know, and like.

One other note: don't write a letter. There's too many potential problems to them: getting lost, getting thrown out, not read carefully enough, etc. In person is much better. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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