A Word of Advice... on friends... or more?

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 16, 2004

This guy i've really liked for a couple of years is oblivious to my special smile I give him every time I see him. I sit right next to him in one of my classes, plus we were only ones in the back last year.

A new girl came to the class so she had to sit with us. At the beginning of the year he started dating her! I got nothing against her because we're bffs.

Since they broke up, I've asked him questions, not snooping questions, just prying. I asked if he knew that a whole lot of girls were after him, and he said yeah. I've given him a whole lotta hints that I like him and almost every girl knows I do. I have a rep of being tough, so most people think im incapable of emotions.

We are friends; we even laugh at unsaid jokes. A lot of girls have asked me if I'm his new gf, because I hang around him so much. I want him to realize I like him without just telling him. I don't want to lose our friendship but I want to be something more. Do you think i should take the step?

--drowning in the shallow end

So much in this letter... even edited I cringe a bit. I had to leave certain things in.

You didn't snoop, you pried. Sorta the same thing, really, just a different layer. You don't want to tell him you like him, but you want to know if you should take the next step.

Yes, you should take the next step. If you *really* want to have a chance with him, and subtlety isn't wowrking, you pull out the hammer and whack him over the head. Tell him that you like him and see if he's interested in return.

You can't just sit around and wait for him to have one of those "A-HA!" moments if you've been trying without success for months. At this point you're really not getting anywhere. For any chance to occur, you just have to tell him once and for all that you're into him. If he doesn't reciprocate, put on a tough face and remain friends so you can at least have him in your life in some form.

Think of it in a risk/reward scenario: the risk is high, but aren't the rewards oh so much better if he does say yes?

--Another one running scared

What's with all the non-direct communication requests? Two in one column. Must be a theme... but I'm not aiming to make it one, so let's just burn through my Inbox so I can get to the good stuff, k?

Ask a mutual friend. Send a message through them. Tell them casually, knowing they'll go to him with it. etc. You can do it; it doesn't hurt any less if the friend comes back saying he's really got a crush on the head cheerleader. The only difference is he doesn't see your reaction that second, but later in the week when you're passing him in the hall.

Everyone should take a chance and deal with rejection now and then, assuming that's the outcome. It toughens you out and makes asking people out *so* much easier going forward. Granted, from personal experience I know it's easier said than done, but still...

--Another one

Ask him. Next question!

Well, let me elaborate. There's no one way you can tell if someone's interested. They can be flirty and not be interested... they can clam up because they're afraid of rejection. The best way is to flat out ask him... don't build it up into this huge thing that makes it impossible for you to get up the courage. Just be casual and take a chance. Risk/reward. It's all about that ratio.

My best friend has a brother that is a freshman and I'm a junior. I always thought he was cute but never thought much of it. I'd go over to my best friend's house all the time and got to be good friends with him. Then one day we were sharing a blanket and we started playing footsies.

The day after we went to homecoming together as friends, we watched TV and started playing footsies. Then it got more intimate. His feet traveled places. Then he sat up and told me he really liked me.

From then on whenever we were alone we would make out. I loved it because we weren't official but it was secret which was awesome. He told me he wanted to have sex and I told him I couldn't until I was in love.

He then said he wanted to just be friends because he didn't wanna hurt his sister. It hurt but I didn't want to tell him so I acted like I was having fun. The same night he caressed my butt, and I was like OK. When we were walking in he grabbed my hand and i was like OK. Then he took me downstairs to the laundry room and kissed me. I was like did you change your mind and he's like maybe.

Ten days after it started, we got kinda far; not too far but far enough where I was uncomfortable. When it was over he changed clothes, came back and said he just wanted to be friends and that he didn't like me as much as I liked him and left. I couldn't believe it.

I hadn't talked to him for about a month and then in the hall he looked at me weird and then when i went over to my friend's house he asked why I was away for so long. He caressed my butt again and did a little motion with his head that meant go to the other room with him but I didn't.

I don't get what he wants or how he feels but it's driving me insane! Please tell me you can help.

--Another one

I can definitely help. In a sentence: he's using you.

The first time around, you and him play around a bit. Once sex is raised, you shoot him down and he wants to just be friends. He decides to give it another ago, and after you're uneasiness with some of the stuff you did (which I'm sure would be noticable to him), he realizes sex still isn't on the menu and drops you again. But he's horny, and wants to play around, and you've been willing in the past, so he comes to you for another go.

There's no chance for a relationship here; what's been established is that whole secret rendevous thing that got you going a bit. While there's no doubt that can be a turn-on at the outset, it becomes tiring in the end, and you have to make decisions that keep you from being stuck in permanent "no one knows" zone. It also doesn't help that you two having never had a relationship, but fooled around so much, it sets a bad precedent.

It's unlikely he's asking you for round three so you can start dating. If you want to hook up with him, go for it, but if it's a relationship you're looking for, find another path.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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