A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, January 5, 2004

I met a guy about a year ago while I was in the midst of a really bad break-up. I hadn't realized until a few months ago that these two have known each other their entire lives. I've spent quite a bit of time hanging out with this guy over the past year, and we've gotten to be very good friends.

About three months ago, I had a party most of my friends attended, and he was the designated driver. In the later stages of the evening, he started playing with my hair, putting his arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck and stroking my hands and fingers.

I have to admit by that time I had felt a certain attraction to him. He left the party that evening by giving me a great big hug around the waist. Maybe I'm completely clueless and don't understand men, but I considered this to be flirting.

The next day, I found out he had a girlfriend through another source. Erg. I was not amused. I ended up calling him out on it, and got a really big apology. Yay for real friends.

What bothers me is that he mentioned he considered me "off-limits" as I dated his friend, and that he never dates his friend's exes, and that he loved me like a sister. I have a hard time believing that when you get into hand play there aren't stronger curiousities at work.

My ex of a year ago was a complete head case. He pretty much tried to get laid in a most unorthodox manner and didn't give a damn about me. It ended swiftly, and although I tried to smooth out the waters with him afterwards, it only seemed to irk him more, so I abandoned it entirely.

I have no idea what to do. I want to work out the friendship first before approaching him as a potential SO, but I have no idea what the best course of action would be.

What would you suggest?

--How to reach out to a potential SO

Ask him for sex. That always works with friends.

On second thought, here's a really easy way to win him into your side of the camp. He obviously seems attracted to you - tell him about what happened with the relationship and that it only lasted a month. Give him an idea of why it didn't work out, doing your best to try to avoid blaming his friend, as that'll only work him up. Then, ask him you'd like to give it a shot between you two.

This isn't foolproof - he might just feel awkward dating someone his friend has, or the ex may still have bad feelings about you that could be stirred up if you're dating a friend of his, potentially putting you both in the line of fire. His friend, and yours for that matter, might just want to be considerate of your ex's feelings, since they've known each other so long - that's a pretty admirable trait.

But considering the amount of time since this short relationship occurred, there's less and less of a reason to need to tiptoe around the ex - after all, if he's still not over it, there's probably other problems with him.

I have this guy friend - we've been friends for somewhere around five months now. He used to call me every night and we would talk for hours. I am really comfortable around him, and I feel as if I could say anything to him and know he would always be interested. About two months ago, he came over to my house just to hang out and we ended up doing stuff. We both had a good time and we didn't say anything to anyone (or each other) about what had happened. He continued to call me but soon after he stopped and he just didn't seem normal around me any more. After a few weeks of this treatment he began talking and calling me again like nothing ever happened. So one month later we again got caught up in the moment and coninued on doing stuff. And as before we both pretended like nothing ever happened. Now he isn't treating me the same. I don't know what to do because I would say something to him but I know that would freak him out because we have never ever talked about these issues. I want to be good friends with him again but I don't want to stop fooling around. What should I do and why do you think he's acting like this?

--My heart's fooling around

Chances are, he's not wanting to talk about it because it's a left-turn, surprise kind of thing and he doesn't know what to make of it. He may not want to talk about it, but for you two to gain any semblance of a friendship (or maybe relationship?) out of this, you need to discuss it. Pretending it didn't happen won't make it go away; it happened twice now too, so avoiding it doesn't work.

It's time to be direct. Say you want to figure this all out - where are you two, and what do you want out of this? That way, you can determine the best course of action. Maybe he also wants to be friends or fool around or whatever again, but is afraid you don't. You have to talk it out so you can figure out your best course of action and then you have an idea of which way to go.

Can guys and gils really be friends? My boyfriend, who I live with, gets these phone calls at 2:00 a.m. and it is from one of his girls (they are friends). He told her not to call that late, and she still does. Another (girl) friend he used to go out with called him and told him to call her "if your girlfriend lets you." This was also at 2:00 a.m. I don't like that they went out and I don't like that she calls. What to do?

--Calling my frustration

Let's start with the ex: you can't change the past - they dated, and whether you like that or not it happened - so don't worry about that. The calling - some exes remain friends after a break-up... if he's with you, he's not with her, and I wouldn't worry about it. At least she's being considerate by considering your feelings in all of this - she's letting you give the OK - how bad a person could this be?

And as for the other friend who harasses you both at 2 a.m., you have two options: mute the phone's ringer (most have a switch somewhere on them, especially cordless phones) or *67 the girl's numbers. Once they've been blocked, she can't bother you late at night anymore.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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