A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, January 16, 2003

What do you do when your friend refers to your relationship with your boyfriend as "friends with benefits" but when you confront her she denies everything and then asks why I was mad in the first place?

--Angered over gossip

I would think all friendships have benefits, but then this column might change peoples' opinions.

I'm forced to assume by the question that your friend is spreading around rumors that are not quite accurate. If this is the case, sitting down and talking with your friend would be a good idea. Since she's denying it, tell her that you'd like her to help quash the rumors that are going on, instead of just accusing her of doing it, making her even more angry and having the rumors spread faster than news of free food from the campus cafeteria.

If she still seems to be spreading around these tales of interest, she might not be the best friend to hold on to, and disconnecting her from any news of your love life would be a good idea. Asking your good friends to do the same will only help your cause. Backing away a little bit, without the annoying beeps of a truck (ie: "I don't think we should be friends anymore" speech), might snap her out of it when her rumor mill is cut off at the source.

--A friend in need

Friendships with exes can happen, but it takes two to tango.

If you want to be friends with your ex, a few things have to happen. First, you need to ensure that you've had enough time to get over her. Secondly, you need to ensure that she's over you as well. If both have occurred, you are closer, but not necessarily guaranteed a friendship. This is one of those things both of you need to talk about. If you both didn't break up over a really bad situation where the trust was broken, you have a much better chance at friendship. And the closest friendships can come out of relationships where there just wasn't that spark, but a friendship could thrive. It's possible, and if both of you want it, it could be a really good thing.

Just don't force it. If she's not up for a friendship, she might be later, but she might just want to put more space between you two for awhile as well. Maybe she's just started a new relationship and doesn't want any left-over feelings to possibly sabotage what she has right now, or maybe she just wants to take more time. A friendship could form in a day, a week, a month… one of those random E-mails could fly your way even a year later. Talk to her about it, and if she doesn't want it, tell her the door is always open. If she changes her mind later, you'll already be there.

--Worried about a good friend

Being a good friend is one thing, but possibly being drawn into something that could be dangerous concerns me. If your friend is getting into trouble because of his friends, you could get in trouble at some point because he's your friend as well.

If he's not happy having these issues where he needs a lifeline, you could step up to the plate and help him out of that situation. There are a good number of non-drug-dealer people who also just happen to be good friendship material, and these people run all over the map in their interests, attitudes, and so on. Finding friends that don't have a drug-dealing line on their resume shouldn't be hard.

On the other hand, if he's happy with the friendships that he has right now, make sure you keep distance as far as the drugs are concerned. I've seen situations where people who are innocent can get drawn into a net because they were friends with someone, and that's really hard to shake off, especially when it's publicized in the news. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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