A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, January 20, 2005

I just recently started a new job. I developed a huge crush on a str8 married guy at work. On a scale of 1-10, he's a billion. It would be kinda bad if everyone knew I was gay, so I absolutely avoided him in everyway possible, and treated him sorta coldly.

My conscience got the better of me, and so I finally told him I am gay and that I was sorry for being an asshole. He didn't understand why I was so emotionally broken up and apologizing for being "mean." The part about being gay he said was OK.

I understand that this is a crush, and I'm trying hard to stop thinking about him. The fact I'm submitting this question is probably not a good thing (cause in doing so I'm THINKING about him AGAIN--this HAS to stop).

He wants to be friends, which is great. And, since he was so cool about everything I feel like I owe him. And I also want to be friends. But, I don't think he knows this is more than just a simple attraction. There is still so much emotion inside my own head, and I feel like I need to work hard to kill all of it.

Do you think it would be OK for me to tell him to please just kinda go away (for the time being)? I dont want to comprimise a possible friendship, but I dont think this is something I can do right now. Need some time to clear my head I think.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

--Frazzled friend

When I first read your question, I couldn't help but think good things about your co-worker. Not only did he not mind what you took the courage to tell him, but he actually couldn't understand why you'd keep it from him. I hope no matter what transpires in the days ahead, that a good friendship comes out of this... he seems to be a keeper in that regard.

The way I see it, there's three ways to handle it. Let's cross out the bad ones first, shall we?

There's the whole avoidance idea, which you eluded to in your question. While it might help you separate your feelings for him, it also might not, because when your period of distance is over, they could get rekindled. It also might irk him a bit that despite your openness, you decide to avoid him and could be considered a rejection of a friendship. I'd nix this one and throw it into the "last resort" category.

There's telling him outright, laying it all on the table and putting it in his hands. But if that were a true option, you probably wouldn't be writing me. That's fair.

So there's the last option, which is to hang out with him as friends, and just tough it out. Yeah, it can be difficult, but there's a couple of things that work in favor of this option, which I favor. Obviously, you're not losing the chance to have him in your life, which is a message I've been harping so much in these pages recently. (I'm thinking of embedding a cut/paste function into my editing program just to save time.)

But a couple of bigger factors come into play which might help. For one, if you go out with him a lot on a platonic basis, you create a pattern of good times had on a friendship level. When you start thinking back on all the stuff you've done, you'll see it through the filter of a friend, which over time can help dilute the feelings.

And then there's, of course, the fact that you'll probably find someone else along the way which will take your emotions and time away from pining over him and you'll eventually pine over the next person.

But here's the key: even if your feelings don't subside, you're not in the minority. There's that old theory that eventually friends will run into a problem with one friend liking the other, because the theory goes that people are drawn to friends like they are to potential relationship material: something attracts them.

While I don't think that's universally true, I do know it's quite common for one friend to be interested in another; my E-mail count on the subject also speaks volumes on that topic. I'm pretty sure he understands the situation at least partially; the fact that he's not pushing you away means he understands that there's probably an interest there, but he's willing to work around that and still be there for you. How could you turn that down?

--Fighting friends

Friends will fight from time to time. However, if you hit an impasse where you two can't ever get along, despite your not wanting to end the friendship, you might hit a point where you just can't take it anymore. As long as you want to remain friends, you'll attempt to work on it. But when the cons of the friendship exceed the pros, it's time to call it quits.

--Frustrated friend

The personality change may be drinking related, but there's obviously no guarantee. It might be related, but the best you can do there is just try to call her on her behavior - hopefully she'll respond to being called out on her actions.

As far as the drinking problem itself is concerned, you can do what you can as a friend by encouraging her to get help, but you can't force her. Sometimes it's painful, but a friend may have to hit rock bottom before they are willing to get help. Hopefully rock bottom isn't something that puts your friend in harm's way.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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