A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Wednesday, February 18, 2004

For the past couple months, I have been getting closer and closer with a friend of the opposite sex. We cuddle, we touch, we have sleepovers, but we have never so much as kissed.

Lately it's been heading more in that direction, but he seems hesitant. He's admitted that things have become awkward.

Is he leading me on?

--I'm confused

He wants nookie without strings - whether you're being led on is a question of whether you understand what he apparently is going for here.

It's the "Pretty Woman" effect... Your Julia Roberts won't kiss you because he's not feeling it 100 percent. He's may be pushing towards a friends with benefits situation (seems slightly unlikely - we'll hit that in a moment), which you'll have to decide if that's OK for you or not. Or maybe he's just a cuddle slut. That's always fun.

Either way, your comfort level has a lot to do with whether you want to keep going with it. If you're not into it, tell him so. If he's a good friend, he'll restrain himself. If he's not, he'll show his true colors, start whining about how he wants to tap that, and you'll know what his friendship's all about.

Of course, if you were into it, you wouldn't be asking me about it - you'd be cuddling right now. And even he doesn't seem 100% sure. So I don't know if he's leading you on as much as it seems like as a pair you're testing the waters a bit. Both of you seem unsure, which may be a bit natural, but if that persists, holding back to a friendship's probably a better idea. You'll surely be able to find someone else to cuddle with.

--Friendship evolution?

At AWOA, we do firmly believe that there IS such thing as a stupid question. Yours is not one of them, however. This is a common question, just not one commonly submitted to the column. As such, let's take a stab at it.

One thing that happens with friendships that existed in high school is that they change when college hits. I firmly believe that a person goes through a heavy evolution between 18 and 23, as they slowly become independent and continue to find their true self. During this time, and even throughout life, it's only natural for people to drift closer or farther apart. That could be in play here.

But the bigger factor, at least from what your letter provides me, is the fact that you're both attending different schools, but furthermore your friend's a commuter. Commuter status is kinda rough on someone; having to drive back and forth each day, along with the workload and trying to build and establish friendships and so forth on campus - it's a lot to juggle. So your friend might just be more worn out in general, so those deep discussions you used to have might just not be something he's up to at the moment. But in his mind, you two are still friends, so what's different? He's just a little tuckered out - it happens.

Give him a little more time to adapt, and you'll prolly see things either get worse or better. If better, it was just temporary. If worse, either he's struggling or maybe he's going through that evolution and he's drifting away. You really can't help it either way, except be the friend you always have been and hope for the best.

--Meeting new people

I can't give you specifics, since Binghamton's info is pretty difficult to find if it's up there, but I can give you some general ideas as maybe a launching point.

Many schools have gay/straight alliances and the like. My school's a fifth the size of yours, and yet we still have one. It's a pretty active organization on campus. I couldn't find anything information-wise on Bing's Web site, but it doesn't mean one exists, nor does it mean I was searching in the right spot (school sites are very cumbersome).

If one doesn't exist, starting one wouldn't be a bad idea.

Sheer numbers would almost mandate at least some sort of gay population on campus, so they're out there. Those three guys you know on campus probably know others too though - In true "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" style, try to network out through other people to meet more people in general, and you'll obviously trip across a few more gay people on campus. Do it personally, or maybe tap a site like Friendster for their 3 million registered users. Again, number probability. And boy, that sounds geeky, but it's true, doncha know.

Just for the record, my friends and I recently were able to connect me to Monica Lewinsky in only five degrees. So, networking has its cons - limit it to friends you can trust judgment-wise, especially if your hunt isn't just for friends, but for dating potential as well.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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