A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, May 28, 2007

We're back! And boy, did I not mean for things to take this long. But the good news is the Monday columns have returned. While question volume's light, we'll be running some columns that never saw the light of day here on INPursuit, mixed in with fresh questions, such as the ones below. Remember, you're the life of this column, and I'm always here to help. Feel free to also use the form to let me know what you think - we do run good feedback as well.

I have a friend that for a long time I have felt is very selfish and snobby. I do not like the way she treats others and I think she acts this way because of low self esteem. I feel like I have a lot more friends that are closer to me and treat me way better than she does.
We were best friends in college. We went out all the time. She helped me get over a boyfriend and provided friendship when I needed it most. We have been through a lot together and we have been there for each other.
Most recently, I was seeing a guy very casually, and I did not want anything serious with him because he was a little confused about himself and had way too many issues. I moved from where I was living and he asked me if he could take a friend out, I said sure whatever, but I was hurt because I had been intimate with him.
She ended up dating him. I warned her that he was bad news and not going to treat her right. They ended up living together, and she fell in love with him. I kept warning her.
Recently they broke up. I can not believe that she dated someone I was with, even if it was casual. I saw this as a great opportunity to distance my self from her and tell her how I feel about her selfishness. I have been the only one out of our old circle of friends that has told her the truth; everyone else avoids her. I do feel sorry for her and have suggested counseling, prayer, etc.
She constantly contacts me and tries to reconcile, almost every other day. This has been going on for about six months. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her to hurt or be miserable, but I do not want to be close with her, and I have told her. What should I do?

--Confused

What a way to start the column back up! You’ve got quite a bit going on here, so let’s tackle this as we can, shall we?

I’m never a fan of someone dating an ex’s friend, but it happens. However, with some of the warning signs you picked up on, you warned your friend. Your friend decided against listening to you, later realized you were right, and is now trying to reconcile. You did the appropriate friend thing in warning of a bad scenario, and your friend realized that you were right and should be trusted. Good stuff – she went against the judgment of a friend who had more insight, made an error, and now is fixing mistakes (including trying to win you over again).

The big question is whether you want to revive some sort of friendship with her. You don’t like her, as the tone of your letter more than suggests (a bus with ‘snobby’ on the side hit me on the way to that realization). So, if you really don’t want her around, you shouldn’t worry about hurting her.

But a part of me feels that your disgust falls into the “she wronged me” category, not that you totally hate her. It’s at that point you have to decide whether to bury the hatchet. She realized that she can trust you to be honest about a good or bad thing, hence the urge to reconcile. She won’t be as apt to make that same mistake again, or at least she’ll more likely trust your word next time.

You two have a fairly long history, and she has been there for you, so I can understand why you are torn. Is she worth having around to hang out with occasionally? This is what you need to figure out. Make a decision based on whether you feel things will improve going forward.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

One looong question, but there’s room for…

FEEDBACK:

Re: your conversation with one newly sexual girl, tell me this kid wasn't a minor.

And even if she wasn't, you still seem like a bit of a creepy pervert in this conversation.

--Ew

She wasn’t a minor – she was in college. In all honesty, it’s someone I’ve talked to in the past, and so the jovial tone came partly from that.

The nice thing about a column like this, especially when the summer months are totally outside the realm of the college papers who print it, I can experiment and test ideas, such as online conversations over a topic, and see if they fly. I thought it was interesting, but decided not to make a meal of it and do it regularly. It was fun, but I didn’t feel it worked.

I do utilize the ability to get replies from people or additional information as a way to make the column better, which is why I also encourage readers to submit their E-mail address. I don’t use it in the column itself, but it allows me to ask for clarification when the need arises.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

E-mail this page

Printer-friendly page