A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, September 22, 2003

I'm taking the unusual step of including one extra question, unrelated to friendships, at the end of this column. The main reason for this is that I rarely get a question on the subject, so I want to ensure that I answer it in a timely fashion. The guilt of not being able to answer it would send me into a chocolate-eating frenzy. Enjoy!

--Left in the dark

I was in a situation like this a couple of years ago. The only difference was I was getting TOO much information about the relationship. So when things were on the rocks, I'd hear both sides around the same time via IM or phone (or both at the same time), and then put on a smiley, upbeat face and tell them things'll get better. Of course, they didn't, and they parted ways.

You're dealing with the opposite here, but my advice would be the same if there was too much information: give it time. Especially if this is a new situation, they may still be feeling themselves out, and it's hard to talk to someone about a relationship when you know when both boy and girl are friends with that same person. There's the worry that it might get back to the other person, and so on. So it is understandable that, while they don't intentionally do it, they do.

There's also the fact that when relationships are in a fairly new stage, there's the "honeymoon phase" that really causes both people to spend a TON of time with each other together, and with no one else. As things move on, things get better, so the only advice I can give you is to tough it out and things will settle back down. And, if issues do come up that they need help with, they know that you know them both and can give a unique perspective on how to handle situations and get through problems. So you'll become like the wise muse that they can turn to. Or something poetic like that.

--Desperate for an answer

Oh, I wish your question had come in a month ago when I had been barraged with the "how do I make him like me" questions. This is a textbook example of what NOT to do if you have a friendship with someone and you want to take it farther, but the other party does not. I almost gave myself a concussion banging my head against the monitor when one person asked me how I should make the other person fall in love with them. Massive ugh.

Now, on to your advice: tell him that he's risking the friendship by pressing the issue. He asked, you denied, and you want to continue the friendship. If he can't handle a friendship with you because his crush is overpowering the friendship, move on and hang out with other friends for awhile - he'll get the message quickly.

Yes, he's right that feelings for people can change, but they won't change when he's trying to force the issue. It'll only turn you off to a relationship with him - tell him that too. There is such a thing as being WAY too aggressive. He is in that danger zone right now. Read on for someone on the opposite side of the fence:

--Give me an answer

Take a look at Desperate's question above: she was appreciative that her friend asked, and while she declined, she was still willing to be friends. Overall, I'd say that's a safe thing to do, as long as you leave the door open for friendships.

But again, I'm going to hammer this point to death: you knew this person for what, a week? And you're in love with her (or rather, you "love her to death")? Call me cynical, but I think you're probably more in like with her at this point. It's hard to distinguish a crush from a true love at such an early stage of the game.

So yes, tell her, but say you're interested in her. I'm sure she'll be much more receptive instead of dumping a big ol' love dogpile on her, which is hard to respond to since she likely doesn't feel feelings as strong as love, if anything, at this point. Just remember, with a boyfriend in the picture, the odds aren't great, but you can't have a chance if you don't make your feelings clear. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

I am having a very hard time trying to figure out my sexuality. See I thought I might be gay but then I saw this movie on sexual identity crisis and now I think I might have that. I don't know what to do I'm going crazy and I have been really depressed trying to figure this out. Please help!!!

--What am I?

First advice: a movie isn't a reliable thing to use as a souce for who you are. Remember, the movie industry is the same that would make Demi Moore want Michael Douglas, and the same that gave Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine," a supposed documentary with some serious holes, an Academy Award.

Even if it's a Discovery Channel documentary, I don't think you should base who you are on what you see on TV. I don't think after watching pygmies mate that I should do what they do. You shouldn't either.

That aside, this'll make some people angry, but I believe it - there's gay, there's straight, and there's gray areas in between, based on what I've seen in the world. You might not be gay - you might be bisexual, and that's not problematic. If you're attracted to girls, go after them. Same with guys. And if you're attracted to both, be happy that you have double the choices when it comes to potential mates. Nothing's a better feeling than finding you're able to increase the odds for the Powerball jackpot of life.

And don't worry: many people, when it comes to their sexuality, spend years wondering, questioning, and experimenting. It's not a problem if you don't have a final answer yet - Regis isn't breathing down all of our necks. Just see what fits you, and eventually you will figure it all out. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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