A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, October 8, 2007

I'm a 21 year old female going to University. I've been seeing a guy who's 25 since April.

Fantastic, right? Except we're not dating. I suffer from the "everybody's best friend" syndrome. My better friends call me a "femme fatale" since I have only two close female friends and a gazillion guy friends. I'm not complaining, although I do feel awkward when women will avoid me out of jealousy because of it.

All right, back to the guy I'm "not dating." We hang out at least once or twice a week. I'm taking advantage of this because he's leaving soon to go to school about an hour and a half away. We've talked about seeing each other after he moves, and I've even been helping him prepare for it.

I like him, and I certainly have no issues with telling him. I'm just going to tell him that I like him, and that if he wants, he can date me in the future should he develop an interest. Because he will be going away, I think this will pass over smoothly. I don't want to wreck our friendship, that's why I'm not putting the pressure of accepting or rejecting a friend in his lap. Just giving him a little information.

At this point, I'm wondering if he just might like me as a potential girlfriend. I would like to give it a shot, but I also accept that he will not be living in the same city. Commute really isn't difficult from point A to B, but it's still distance.

He drives me around everywhere, insists on paying the tab at restaurants and bars (although I've put my foot down and took it a few times, like on his birthday). He has not tried any physical moves on me, which kind of makes me doubt he has an interest in a relationship. At the same time, I'm kind of relieved because I feel absolutely no pressure around him.

I also have the feeling he's trying to get my attention, even when I'm sitting right next to him in the car. For example, he'll run up the stairs in the subway doing peace signs, or put the music up way way loud in the car, and horribly embarrass himself on the road, etc.

We have a lot of fun together, and he ACTUALLY calls me. He's met my friends, and I've met a few of his, AND gone out with them.

Just to reassure you, I don't think he's perfect. He's a menace on the streets and listens to nothing but hip hop :P. But I like him anyway, just as he is.

I would like to know what you think. This looks really good to me. BUT, he could also just be the nicest guy in the world. When all signs point to YES, it's my sentiment that there's something I've overlooked.

--Attached at the hip

It would be an easier answer if he were gay, because this has “fruit fly” or “fag hag” (pick your favorite) written all over it.

Buuuut… no indication here. My pontification thinks he may be interested. And I actually agree with your thought process here. With him moving 90 minutes away, it’s probably a relatively good time to take a risk here. If he freaks out, it’s not like you’ll be hanging to the extent you did before, and the distance can help clear the palate a little bit. If you’re digging him, give it a go!

I have this friend who I have been friends with for more than three years. Recently, he's been calling me more often (almost every night). We go out a lot together as well (alone as well as with friends). He's said things like "Have you ever been in love before?," "I want nine children," and "I want to introduce you to my cousins."
He takes me out during my breaks at work and brings me take-out food, which I think is so sweet. He's told me about a girl he used to like (who had the same name as me) and about the guy she ended up marrying (who had the same name as him) -- his exact words were, "isn't that a coincidence?" (I have a rare first name.)
Despite everything I've mentioned, he hasn't made any moves nor has he said anything directly. From what I've mentioned, do you think he's interested and just shy, or do you think he's just being really friendly? What should I do/say?

--Terribly confused

Ehhh… the signs you reference in and of itself don’t necessarily mean he’s interested. But like the previous letter-writer, you should take a chance if you find him interested. And that’s really my question: are you? You ask me what *he’s* thinking, but you don’t say what *you* are feeling. I can only assume, based on your question, you are into him. If so, take a shot and see what will develop. If not, I guess the answer will fall somewhere between “who knows?” and “who cares?”

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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