A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, November 26, 2007

After a brief hiatus, I’m back for a bit before another round of holidays consumes me. I’ll do my best to keep the pace up in the mean time.

I have found that lately I truly do not like my friends so much. I think that it stems more from the changes that have taken place in our lives. I got married, and am in my early thirties, and they are a little younger, and even though one of them is married they essentially still live the "go out every day of the week" life. At first it annoyed me that they didn't really invite me out anymore, they say because they know I have work the next morning, but I couldn't really say that's the reason.
I find that they are still essentially the guys I met almost 8 years ago, and I'm just not that involved in that lifestyle any longer.
So I feel torn between the fact that I miss them considering me a closer friend, and the fact that I really am starting to like my time away from them. This makes me feel a bit guilty. I don't want to be anti-social but there's just so much drama in their life.
What do you suggest?

--Disconnected

First off, let me apologize if my answers aren’t as coherent as they may normally be. I’m fighting a cold as I write this, and I keep getting interrupted by IMs from my roommate (who’s sitting in the next room, I should note) who has sent me some disturbing online video clips. Never a good thing when you’re trying to put on your advice hat.

Onward: I don’t necessarily think what you’re going through is a bad thing. While it’s nice to think fondly of the times you hit the bar with them, saying you can drink them under the table and going shot-for-shot with the lightweight of the group, laughing your ass off as you watch your other friends drag him to the car, priorities change. People change, like you obviously have.

As you and your priorities get reshuffled, two things can happen. One is that your friends, who may be going through some or all of the same things as you, might evolve with you, and the friendship continues. The other is that your friends don’t evolve, at least now, and you leave them behind, either partially or fully, so you can focus on what’s important to you right now.

There’s always the ability to make new friends; people meet people daily, and sometimes they can become friendships. It would be good to make new friends, and you can always hang with them when you have a hint of nostalgia. Stay in touch, and as they too evolve you may find each other on the same page again. If not, though, don’t feel bad; it happens all the time.

I have a two-part question.
Please suggest a good way for me to re-establish contact with a once-dear friend. And, what do you suppose my friend could be thinking?
We've lost touch, and haven't called or written in several years. There was no conflict and no "break up." She put more effort into staying in touch than I did. I moved away and got busy with my job and family health problems; soon after she had a baby.
We don't have much in common in our daily lives, and aren't in proximity. I don't expect a lot of attention; I'd just like to hear from her periodically. At Christmas, I wrote an honest, upbeat, letter that included an apology for neglecting the friendship, and some rather serious news. It has been six weeks, and I haven't heard a word. I'm wondering if that means I never will.
I didn't expect her to fuss over me, but I thought I might get a card, and, I guess I still might. She was never prompt. We were close friends since college - 25 years. What do you think her reaction to my letter might have been?

--Missing out

Just like I mentioned to the letter writer above, people change, and life changes. She may be as busy as she was before, or she might simply just feel more disconnected and doesn’t want or need to reconnect. It’s hard to know.

But although you feel guilty, keep in mind that the amount of time involved, as well as the potential hurt she may have felt when she was making more of the effort to keep in touch, could have caused her to not respond. She also might simply have moved, and the letter never made it there.

Try some of the social network avenues and see if a light connection can be established. If you have common friends, see if they’ve heard from her lately. If a reunion is in the future, try to connect there. And, as I mentioned before, it may just be you two are in too much of a different place now that a connection will work now. It’s unfortunate, but it happens.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

E-mail this page

Printer-friendly page