A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, November 29, 2004

I have had this best friend since the eighth grade; I am a sophomore now. She is a girl and I am a guy. We are both in band and we just started talking to this one guy who is really nice and is just like me. Us two have like everything in common. We kinda gang up on my best friend but usually we are just kidding.

Around September, she told me that she liked him, but I knew that he didn't like her. Then, one of his friends talked to him about it, and like overnight he figured that he liked her too, but just a little. They started to go out.

We used to always do stuff together, like hang out at someone's house, or just go do something. But now I feel a lot like the third wheel because it is my best friend, with my really good friend, and now we don't even do anything together anymore, except with a big group of people. I just liked it when it was us three.

My head is in like all different places now, what should I do?

--The wheel deal

It's just like the Wheel of Fortune - you spun a bankrupt, and now it's time to spin again. (OK, I'll stop with the wheel puns now.)

Basically, what you're dealing with is likely a couple still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. They're spending a lot of time together, enjoying that whole getting to know you thing, even though they knew each other somewhat already. (Relationshps make you realize you didn't know much about them after all.)

As time goes on, that will fade, and that's when they'll scale it back some as they encounter a few bumps. During those bumps, as best friend you'll suddenly be called in to offer advice, assistance, and any other words of encouragement. You'll basically be doing my job. (It's OK - I've got a lot on my plate right now.)

Your friends haven't forgotten about you; once things settle down you'll be as important, if not more so, than you were pre-relationship. But of course, you have to make it to that point first.

In the mean time, keep yourself out there, call them from time to time just to chat, and even take it upon yourself to set up little get togethers with you, them, and one other person. (The other person will help offset the third wheel issues that can easily crop up when two friends of someone are dating.)

You can't roll back the clock to before they were dating, so you have to look ahead and see what you can do. Just being there is the best course of action. When the time comes where they need someone to lend an open ear, you're the one that knows enough about them to offer help, and can be an impartial third party since you're friends with both.

--Age of doubt

Yes. Simple question, simple answer.

While age may be a barrier for a lot of reasons, it's not impossible. In fact, the cousins connection happens to eliminate one of the biggest barriers: something in common. Friendships need that certain something that link two people together. When there's nothing, if people hold on long enough the actual shared experiences become that bond.

Age creates difficulty because experience puts people in different stages of life socially, along with putting different spins on what life throws at you. I know that I, for one, am not the same person I was in high school, and chances are after college I'll evolve again. I know the types of people I interact with and find interesting have also changed during that time.

So, simply put, yes, you can be friends with your cousin. Expect some awkward moments; even being cousins can't totally eliminate the age and social gaps. But your cousin could become an older and wiser friend who can pass on knowledge and experience, as well as be someone good to turn to for advice (after writing me, of course).

--Turning it around

Cheat on her. I'm really not being all that facetious either.

The biggest problem that exists here is that the truth is getting covered up by a friend, who supposedly cares about you, but is lying to everyone instead. What kind of friend lies to save his/her own butt while creating grief for her friend? I don't know of too many that do, but those who do should probably be flogged, or at least given a copy of "Friendships for Dummies."

She's dragged you and your husband into this mess by asking you to lie, and then made you look bad when he accidentally slipped, something he shouldn't have worried about to begin with; it's not his issue. Tell the truth about what happened to the people that need to know. She broke trust and took the gloves off, but the truth, once it comes out, always rights things.

The key to all of this is to not turn it into a Jerry Springer moment. Don't come out the gate yelling, screaming, and putting all of that into perspective. Take a more calm, controlled route. Say it's unfortunate that all of this is happening, because you were trying to stay out of it to begin with, but she's dragged you into the middle of it. Then talk about, in the clearest terms but without getting too detailed, that she's been seeing other people. Start with your husband's friend, her ex, and let it work from there. The ex might not believe it at first; since she cut off the relationship his lingering feelings for her (and the resulting sex coming out of it) might blur his vision of what's true. But he'll come around; it's only a matter of time.

You've got nothing to fear about being truthful at this point. You may or may not be able to save this friendship, but she doesn't sound like all that good of a friend to begin with.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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