A Word of Advice... on friendships

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, December 20, 2004

I'm a gay man with a crush on a straight guy that I work with (worked together for four years). I've always felt that the guy had some gayness to him (which really doesn't give me the right to chase him, but we'll leave that alone :) ).

Normally I don't believe in chasing after people, but I went off that path with this guy. He would get mad, and on one occasion, I heard him mumble that he wasn't a f***in' fag. I pulled back some, but was still determined.

In three years we rarely spoke, until a friend came to work with us. We ended up becoming friends, and I have come to grips with the fact that this guy, whether gay or straight, is not interested.

The problem is that now that I have stopped chasing after him (I still think he's all that, but I've checked my feelings), he has started acting strange. We talk daily and he's constantly tugging at the crotch of his pants, placing his hands under his balls while he talks, or rubbing himself.

In the four years that I've known him, I've never seen him do it. A close friend that knows both of us, stated that he doesn't do it when he talks to her. Now he's making double-entendre statements.

I also noticed that when we e-mail each other, I delete mine at the end of the work day, he saves his. Recently he brushed up against my butt with his hand, but there was enough room to get around me without touching. But, when someone comes around he's Mr. Man. He starts flirting with the ladies.

I feel this guy is teasing me or trying to set me up. Am I wrong for feeling like this?!? And even though we have become friends, should I back off?

--Cock-teasing co-worker?

I'm sorry to say that in this case, the whole adds up to decidedly less than the parts it's made up of. Each particular incident you cite has some easily refutable points. Since you've become friends, he doesn't have problems putting his hands near his junk in front of you. But a female co-worker has never seen the behavior. You're now friends with him; he's probably more comfortable around you than when you were simply the guy who chased after him. The fact that you pulled back probably helped his level of comfort.

Double-entendre statements may be slightly unusual, but isn't any different than normal in terms of how I've seen other straight/gay friend pairings interact. The E-mail deleting may just be personal preference (I'm a packhound myself and rarely delete E-mail), and the hand/butt contact could've been accidental - I've moved by people probably closer than I should've, and I've done it before without realizing it.

While you state you've backed off, it's obvious that you're interested in some way still, or you wouldn't have even asked. Unfortunately, unless he gives a more clear-cut signal, my feeling is that you're seeing something that's just not there.

--One night stand, long-time friend

What happened isn't necessarily unhealthy. There's that old saying that friends are drawn together because of an attraction, and that eventually at some point one friend will become attracted to the other. While I don't always buy that (I've known one girl literally my entire life without ever having any interest in her beyond a platonic one), the end result is that is many friendships do follow that path.

You two are comfortable with each other, trust each other, get a little tipsy and... well, hook up. You can just not talk about it, or you can talk about it. I don't think doing one or the other will make any drastic effect - I do recommend talking it out, however, if some sort of awkwardness results out of it. It is not unhealthy to discuss it. It could be unhealthy to not discuss it, or it could just be mutually agreed upon (silently, in this case) to just let it go and move on.

There are only two reasons why one would bring it up: because of uncomfortableness or because of actual attraction that was either revitalized or triggered by this event. And if the latter is even remotely the case, or proves to be the case with time, bringing it up is good, to ensure it's out on the table and that things can be handled appropriately.

--Quickie

Be trustworthy. Don't lie to them, don't mislead them, don't deceive them. Don't forget about them, and try to include them when something important is happening in your life. Be yourself; don't be fake around them as once they realize it the game's over. I'm sure there's more, but that's a good quick rundown.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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