A Word of Advice... on friends with benefits

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, January 22, 2004

There is this girl in my school, and shes real good looking, real nice and pretty funny. Well recently she wanted someone to do a favor, and I asked her why she can never ask the right person (me) and stuff will get done. Well she responds, you don't really talk to me anymore (we used to talk). I did the favor and told her that I did like her, but I'm not sure how she took it.

We talked later and I gave her my number. I hear that she's into this friends with benefits thing, and I really don't know what to do.

One of my friends, has hung out with her a little. He said he kissed her and she said they were still friends.

I don't know how to approach her on this subject because I'm really into this girl and I'm up for the friends with benefits thing... but how can I bring the subject up in a casual way to suggest to her I support that type of relationship... but at the same time if she really is searching for a deep relationship, I'm always searching for that extra something as well?

Big stress issues, because I really do want to let her know how I feel.

--I'm there either way

Hit her over the head or wear a shirt saying "I'm into friends with benefits, baby!"

If you're into a friends with benefits thing, and she wants to pursue it with you, you both will go with the flow, it'll happen, and you'll both be fine. If she wants more, she'll let you know. If she doesn't want anything, things'll stay the same.

The fact is, unlike a relationship, friends will cross that line if they're comfortable. Talking about it is more likely to make it awkward, at least until after it happens. If you're able to discuss it and not feel uncomfortable, you're probably in the clear. If it's really hard, you probably crossed a line you shouldn't anymore. Not everyone is capable of it - you'll realize it fairly easily, sometimes even after just one attempt.

I have been very close friends with a male friend of mine for over a year. He was the friend that helped me through my break up with my ex-boyfriend of four years - that happened in March 2003. This past spring I set him up with a mutual friend and it ended badly. Very soon after that ending we hooked up a couple times. After an open and honest conversation we decided we were better off friends.
However, just recently he came onto me again. I would not have be adverse to this except he has a girlfriend. When I confronted him about it, he said he had no clue why it happened and that he actually really likes his girlfriend. However when the question was raised about what I should expect in regards to this happening again, he said he could offer no guarantees.
I acknowledge he is very confused and I know he needs to figure out what he wants on his own but I don't know what to do with myself and I really just want answers. I'm just very angry with him but don't know if he deserves my anger.

--Trying to avoid the third wheel scenario

You could get mad at the friend - that wouldn't be totally out of line. He's got a girlfriend, so he's toying the line of cheating on her. But he's also playing a yo-yo game with your emotions, which also isn't fair to you.

He's confused, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it. Give him benefit of the doubt, but if he approaches you again, say you can't let him do that while he's in a relationship - he can't have his cake and eat it too. Hooking up is one thing, but if he's with someone, you're enabling his inability to make a decision.

I had sex with a coworker that I was hanging out with. Awhile ago I had hit on him and expressed how I would like to be his girlfriend. He said I find you attractive, but I'm not looking. A couple of months later we ended up having sex. I really rocked his world.
A week went by; he didn't invite me or say anything. When we didn't have sex anymore I asked what it was about - if I was a fling and if it isn't going anywhere. He said it wasn't going anywhere because he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he has feelings for me and he's sorry if he led me on can we still be friends.
I didn't want to be friends. I just said ok but I'm not happy with the situation. My time is now to have a relationship but how long do you think he needs to get over this? Basically I don't want to invest anything in him unless he's having sex with me or is going to be my bf eventually.

--How long do I wait?

You'll invest something for just sex? I'm sure the E-mail will spike shortly with inquiries about how to reach you.

You two have different priorities when it comes to what you're looking for. He's just out of a relationship (edited out of your letter for length, so I'll say it here) and you're looking for one. But it seems like all he wants is the physical... when you started putting out the vibes that you wanted more than sex, he backed off.

He may need time to get over it, or he may just be looking for no-strings-attached action. Since he got it once from you, for awhile at least he'll likely work under the assumption that lightning could strike twice.

The fact that it was a superior who you did it with (another edited fact; space is tight) also could be an issue; he might've realized the potential issues with something like that and backed down. Whatever the case, you can't just convince someone to do it, as if he doesn't realize it himself it'll likely destruct on its own shortly thereafter.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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