A Word of Advice... on friends with benefits

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, April 7, 2005

A friend of 10 years began pursuing me six to eight months ago for a "friends with benefits" relationship. I kept him at bay until he finally wore me down and I slept with him. It was great. But now, he treats me like he doesn't know me. WHY? Was it about the chase?

Our last conversation was normal with a "See ya tomorrow" that came without so much a "Hey." Help. I'm so hurt - mostly about the loss of our friendship. Why pursue someone so persistently only to "score" a few times and walk away?

--Friends, benefits, and now nothing

You might be on to something about the pursuit part of things. If Wile E. Coyote was allowed to finally catch the Road Runner, wouldn't that kill it off? And so many TV shows have gone downhill after the chase was over and the relationship began.

It's quite possible that after achieving what he wanted, your male friend got bored and changed gears. It's also possible that it's not that at all, but instead is a realization now that the deed is done that it might not have been what he wanted.

Your excitement shines through the letter: "He finally wore me down." That's really sexy. And so I raise a third possibility: he sees your inability to get into it, mainly because you're going through the motions to shut him up, and he backs off, seeing your disinterest and taking it personally.

Now, it's impossible to know which of the three it is, so if you're wondering what happened here, maybe it's time to have a chat with him. He's backed off, you don't want more than a friendship; why not talk to him, allay his fears about what you may want (in case he didn't realize that your yawns were of boredom), convey that you just want the friendship back and see what happens? Communication is the easiest way out of a situation like this.

--Can a friendship evolve?

Soooo many points to cover in a short amount of space. The questions you didn't ask are as important as the questions you did.

First: yes, friendships can evolve. However, friendship evolution (let's call it frievo because it's fun to type) requires a few things. For one, there's the mutual attraction. Not all friendships have this; a quick read of a good chunk of my columns will prove that the interest in one many times will outweigh the interest of the other.

There also has to be a mutual interest in taking that further. Again, this isn't always the case, as sometimes friends aren't willing to take the risk on frievo because of their fears of post-breakup loss of friendship. (That's really stupid in my mind; if you're friends, you've already learned certain things about the person, and likely some of it isn't the most sexy. If you can get around their Spongebob addiction as a friend, doesn't that give a relationship at least an extra chance at working?)

But finally, when an attempt has been made, that attempt needs to keep going and evolve. The two of you hooked up, and he opted to date other people instead, stating you're not his type. Therefore, the chances of frievo here are minimal, as you've already gotten physical, the friendship is there, and he's just not biting.

One last thing: it doesn't matter how smart, pretty, successful, or even tall you are - each guy has his own interests and likings, and even though he may be looking for all of those things, there might be something else he's also pursuing, and you're not it. Relationships are like a game of Memory - just because the overall picture's cool, sometimes you have to flip the cards back over because you're not a match.

--One night makes a difference

You *do* know if you want things to be the way they were or not. You don't. Friends with benefits leaves open the door, as it's not a relationship. That means that it's fair game for him to bring home another girl and do exactly what the two of you are doing. Makes it a bit less special, doesn't it?

And that's why these kinds of situations are so tricky. Inevitably, most friends with benefits situations yield one person who is looking for more than the other. Your letter makes it clear you have feelings for him, and seeing him with that other girl made things difficult.

Is there a chance you can move beyond this phase into a real relationship? Sure. But avoiding him isn't the way to do it. If you can't deal with a friends with benefits arrangement, come clean to him and say it's not how you expected it would be, as your feelings are stronger than you thought. Ask to remain friends, and if he wants to test the waters with a relationship later you're there for him. You leave the door open and you still have a friendship - it's a win-win.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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