A Word of Advice... on friends with benefits

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, October 6, 2005

I had always liked the same guy FOREVER, and for about a year we were on and off. We decided about a month ago that neither of us wanted to go out, and just to be friends with benefits. Since he broke my heart around four months ago, I really don't have feelings for him anymore, but I love hooking up with him.

But recently, he has been pretty rude about the situation and I feel like he is trying to reassure himself because he does have feelings for me. Should I break it off, when it is SO tempting to break his heart in return?

--End it?

That old song "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" is such a fallacy sometimes - this question just proves it.

As I see it, breaking his heart is really not the question to be asking here, although that will factor in, as you'll see in a moment.

You see, the question you should be asking is not whether you should break his heart, but why the hell you'd stay in a pseudo-relationship where the guy you're with treats the whole thing rudely? (I say pseudo-relationship because while friends with benefits relationships are, on the surface, attempts to get what a relationship offers without getting feelings involved, that rarely happens and usually someone gets hurt in the end.)

Quite frankly, hook-ups are easy, relationships are not. Sure, hooking up with him might be fun, but if you have to put up with so much bull outside of those times, is it really worth it?

I'm asking you questions because one thing in your letter sent up an advice columnist's BS meter. You say it was a mutual break-up at the beginning, yet say later in your letter you'd like to break his heart in return. Something tells me you said yes to the hook-ups because you still had an interest in him, not because it was a mutual break-up.

It's obvious your interest has waned since that point. Therefore, if it's not going well, and it seems it's not, maybe you should put this whole benefits thing aside and find a relationship with a guy who will treat you better. There's no point in letting your ex maintain the upper hand by killing the relationship, and then treating you like crap. Time to move on.

--Hook-up, line and sinker?

It's a good idea if you're looking for a rebound, but really rebounds aren't a good idea to begin with either. People seem to be sticking to this idea though, so let's take a closer look.

Both of you are trying to move on from a relationship. Physically, it'll ease the loss, but emotionally it won't do a lick of anything, unless one of you fall for the other, and then it'll just stir already muddy waters. Friends with benefits relationships generally come with a big stick, and someone almost always starts stirring the water.

If you have an interest in the guy, it's a bad idea, as it's giving him a free pass without establishing any sort of emotional attachment. If you have no interest in him, it may be fun, but it'll also stunt your attempts to move on to a new potential relationship, since the physical side will be covered for awhile. Either way, it won't speed the recovery process.

So really, if all you're looking for is a little somethin' somethin', it'll do, but if you're trying to truly move on and get yourself back on track after a breakup, this is not the way to do it.

--Simple question?

All this sex talk… can't we talk about movies? How about The 40 Year Old Virgin? Err… nevermind.

He's driving three hours to see you, so that's a sort of commitment, and really kind of odd if he's doing it just for sex - I'm guessing he could get some closer to home. He's cuddling, which for some who follow the stereotypes would say is a positive sign, because guys rarely cuddle. (FYI: I don't buy that.)

He may like you, but I'm the wrong person to ask. Ask him. It sounds based on your question you have an interest in him; find out if you can move beyond this whole friends with benefits thing and beat the odds. I think you might have a better-than-average chance thanks to the constant traveling.

Keep the traveling in mind as a difficulty if you pursue this, assuming he's interested. You'd shift from one long-shot odds relationship to another: the dreaded long distance relationship.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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