A Word of Advice... on friends with benefits

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, December 25, 2003

Today's discussions came from the forums.

I've been in a sort of mutual relationship with a guy for some time now. Except, it isn't a relationship - we're just friends that fool around. It seems anytime we're with a group of people, nothing is different and you could never tell we've ever been intimate, but when we're alone, the tables turn. It's been pretty easy just being friends with benefits - it gives me my freedom, and him his freedom. I'm not looking for a relationship, so it sort of works out...sort of.
Lately, I've been thinking more and more about what we have, and wondering if he will ever want to take it further, or if I ever will. I'm too scared to ask him, because I don't want to freak him out and make him think I love him. But, I have grown very fond of him, and very fond of our "situation"... so to speak. I'm not sure if I'm looking for something more with him, or I'm just beginning to love the sex so much that it's all I ever think about. I can't tell the difference between my care for him and my care for the sex. I need help!

--Benefits, but bothersome

The big issue I see here relates to the physicality of the relationship being entered so early on. When you do something like this, it builds a relationship, however loose or tight, around sex instead of around emotions: whether you find them attractive, friendly, a good listener, helpful, anything out of a scouts manual, and of course, someone you are in like with or even in love with.

Even more difficult, you say that both of you have enjoyed the freedom of the friends with benefits situation. But you think you may want more. Quite frankly, if you want to take this into a more exclusive, no-holds-barred relationship, you need to talk to him about it, and sooner rather than later, even if you're not 100 percent ready to take that step yet.

If you discover that your priorities are not in line with his, that can be a problem, as it will only get more frustrating over time. He doesn't act like you're in a relationship when you're around other people, but that isn't necessarily indicative of him not being interested in more. It could just be he's not a PDA kind of guy.

But here's what you need to ask yourself:

1. Is a relationship what you want?
2. Can you live with this situation if he doesn't want one now, or even ever?
3. Can you live with the fact that since this is an open relationship with basically all the benefits and none of the strings, he could do this with other people? Or worse, currently is doing this with other people?

Take a serious look at what you want. If sex is clouding your judgement, discuss the matter with him. Maybe you both can find something in there that you'd like to develop. But don't wait too long - the longer you are in a no-strings-attached sexual relationship, the more he'll get to thinking that this'll be a great booty call no matter what happens. Don't just settle for that if you want something more. Good luck.

I had a new roomate move in the 1st of the month. Within nine days we started sleeping together, and it was not just a one time thing. I really do like this girl; however, I'm not 100% sure its a smart thing as to what we are doing, but I'm a man and tend to think with my other head sometimes. What should I do?

--Roomates romp regularly

Of course it's happened before. It's not exactly a healthy way to start a relationship, but it's one hell of a welcome.

Depending on how things go, this could work out or it could not. If it doesn't, just be prepared to find a new roommate again shortly thereafter, because you'll have another hell of a time... with "how awkward" moments.

One other thing: you really shouldn't think with your shower head. Mildew can distort your thought patterns.

I was at [my boyfriend's] house recently and he was sleeping like usual and I sat by his feet like normal. We were screwing around, wrestling. He only needs to use his legs against me cause I am a weakling but he held me down in weird ways - not like he usually does.
Somehow our legs ended up intertwined LAYING NEXT TO EACH OTHER (sorry about the caps) like cuddling and he looked at me like he wanted to kiss me. Then he jumped up and ran into the shower cause we were running late. I have no clue what that means. I am so clueless about flirting and if guys like me. But last night he was asking me about meeting girls. He was saying how he can't meet any girls.

--Friendly flirting?

Many friends have a flirtatious nature to them. My most recent ex and I met through work, and we flirted constantly before giving it a shot. It lasted almost 4 years (with a bit of off time during some rough spots), so I guess that's pretty decent.

If you have a thing for your friend, it can't hurt to explore it a little bit. Just sorta broach the topic with a question like "Where is our friendship going?" and get into a little discussion. You might just be surprised where it ends up. If you're not the subtle type, just say "Will you go out with me? And oh, if you're not interested, that's cool - I'd still like to be friends if that's what you want." Then it's all out in the open, and you'll have your answer.

I know, I know - this isn't quite a friends with benefits question - it's an "almost" question. But still, that line has been blurred so much in recent years that you could throw practically anything into this category and it would make sense to some degree.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Readers' note (feedback needed): there is a growing movement against the usage of the word "like" in any form other than when making a comparison. For example:

Good: His car sounded like a motorcycle.
Bad:Like, his car, like, sounded like, like, a, like, motorcycle.

Our poor letter writer has fallen into the trap of using the word "like" as if it were something to use when the brain needs a chance to catch up to the mouth. I can smack the writer on the wrist for one reason and one reason only: I choose to keep questions totally anonymous. All of the unnecessary "like's" were edited out of the letter just so I won't go crazy, but let me know by E-mailing me if you think I'm editing too heavily. Sometimes the questions are amusing on their own.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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