A Word of Advice... on friends with benefits

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, December 27, 2004

For the past two years I have worked with a good friend of mine. Throughout that time we have always casually mulled the idea of becoming more than friends. We decided it was best to remain only friends, since we work together and we wanted to keep our friendship.

Four months ago, he and I decided to take the chance and have been friends with benefits. Both of us decided to keep this just sex, and not let emotions get involved. But lately I have been confused about my feelings toward him. A part of me would like more.

We talk all the time, but I don't know how to approach this subject. I think he has deeper feelings for me as well, but neither one of us has the guts to take it further. We are different, and worry that a real relationship might not work between us. I trust him, and do care deeply about him and our friendship. What should I do? Go for it or end it?

--Confused in DC

A relationship is generally a friendship, but with more layers and complexity. A relationship and friendship share trust, companionship, sharing information that wouldn't be shared to an average person, etc. The relationship adds the physical, along with the deeper connections that feelings can provide. Somewhere in the middle is friends with benefits.

You are moving into level three of this situation, which is pushing towards more feelings, and therefore better for a relationship. After four months, that's not surprising that at least one of you are feeling this way. The question is whether he does too.

If you're wanting more out of this, you need to ask. If he's wanting more and is equally chicken, this will allow him to breathe a great big sigh of relief. If he's not into the idea, you can back out gracefully and roll things back to the friendship before your feelings get further tied up here.

One last thing: if you can handle a friendship, and then a friends with benefits, without too much difficulty, rolling the dice on a relationship is worth it. If your friendship is strong enough, no matter which way the relationship goes, for better or for worse, the friendship will end up coming out fairly unscathed in the long run.

He is a captain, I'm just a basic. I've liked him since I met him but he just wanted to be friends.
Recently I joked around with his friend saying that I was a better friend because I had more to offer. That guy told the one I've liked. He asked what I had to offer.
We've had sex a couple of times since then. He's always been kind of strict with me at work, but it's getting worse. I don't know if he's trying to play his feelings off or what. I tried to talk to him about where this was going but he told me he didn't know.
He is in love with this girl and there's no chance for him to get with her (she's engaged). He doesn't know about her being engaged and I'm afraid to tell him because I dont want him to get mad at me. He hasn't given me an answer on whether this is just friends with benefits or something more. What should I do?

--Name, rank and serial number

You started this off as an "I'm a better friend because I have more to offer." Those aren't relationship words. It also sounds like there's some sex, balanced by his being more strict to try to make it seem like he's not playing favorites with you. He can't give you an answer on his feelings, but right now his heart is pretty much set on this one girl.

Chances are you're not close to a relationship mode in his mind; I'm sure the rank differential would create some difficulty. He's a little confused on what to do. If you want more than just sex from him, you need to cut off the sex until he can make up his mind - maybe clearing the air by not confusing emotions can help him along. If he doesn't want a relationship, you can avoid making yourself hurt even more by finding out now instead of getting physically and emotionally involved, only to find out later.

There's this guy that I've been just friends with for a short while and I feel like I'm starting to really like him. I found out from him that he does like me, but a friend of mine said he just wants to be friends with benefits. I'm not totally sure how true that is, but I'm afraid to talk to him about it, because I dont want to sound annoying about that stuff. How do I go about talking to him about it?
Also, if he does just want friends with benefits is there still a chance where that if we're like that, his feelings could grow for me and he might want to become my boyfriend? I know that if my feelings continue to grow towards him I'll want to have/try a relationship with him, so I'm wondering should I really do this friends with benefits thing?

--Considering her options

All three letters from girls who want a relationship, but the guy's not sure. And a pattern emerges.

The two letters above should be a cautionary tale for you, considering what they're going through. Many (although not all) friends with benefits situations end up with lopsided feelings, where one person has feelings a hell of a lot stronger than the other one does. If he likes you, and still insists on friends with benefits, he's taking advantage of your feelings while getting some extra good stuff out of it. Meanwhile, you wait patiently for the chance to take it a step further into a relationship.

The biggest danger is that when someone's in a friends with benefits situation, they may like the freedom so much that they can't take that next step, and that's where the trouble happens. One person wants a relationship; the other's too happy with the freedom to give up. And ultimately, both end up moving on to other people.

Can he decide he wants a relationship later? Yes, but the longer a friends with benefits situation endures, the less the chance it will happen. Consider that before you give up the goods.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

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