A Word of Advice... on holidays

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, December 22, 2003

The holidays are a time for reflection...

I am 21 and my first relationship (of three weeks) ended about a year ago. It was the other person's first relationship as well. I have dated again, and although I have moved on, many things still bother me about this relationship...

I met this person through a mutual friend. We were friends for about two months before we started going out. We talked and it was great. He showed me nothing but respect and I was really completely happy around him. I really started to fall for him.

We started making out a week and a half after we started dating. Right from the first time we made out, some of his gentlemanly qualities started to fade. He pretty much rammed his hand between my legs. He did this at least once every ten minutes. I told him I didn't enjoy it when he did that, or that I wanted him to stop. He said things like "come on it's only through clothes," "look I'm a good guy," and "trust me."

On our last date, I confessed that I felt really serious about him and I felt the relationship was going a little fast. He sort of laid back, looked at the ceiling, and said "I still can't believe you'd deny yourself physical pleasure... you know most couples would be sleeping together by now." I re-explained to him that I wanted to wait until I felt that we were good together before sleeping with him.

I mussled up the courage and said that when we did decide to sleep together, I wanted to get tested, and asked if he would come with me. I also told him I wanted to use protection. I also told him that I didn't want to "be" with anybody else while I was with him. He assured me he was very monogamous. We parted ways with a promise of another date.

When I called him that evening, he started complaining of my "stupid job" (according to him), which prevented me from seeing him. I asked him when I could see him, and he told me we would see each other the next day. I called back later. I told him that if he wanted a relationship with me he couldn't stand me up like this. He told me he was wrapped up and ended the call.

The next day, I decided to phone back. I was told that he was in Florida. When he came back, he called me and told me that he was just in [the relationship] for fun.

I'm not too sure what else to add in. I learned what date rape and sexual harassment are and realized what he was trying to pull off, and that he must be angry because he didn't get what he wanted under his own terms.

What I am looking for is an outsider's opinion of this splendid little tale. How do I recognize the asshole/opportunist under the gentleman's mask before I date him? What kind of person would try to use someone who had just got tossed from her parent's place and wanted to find her way again? Who would want to abuse of someone's vulnerabilities? Is there anything I did wrong, so I make sure I never do it again?

--What went wrong?

Lest someone wonder what else this author could "add in," by the length of the letter, please note that about 75% of the details were removed. I think the letter still holds up here, but when you've cut that much you worry about cutting into the meat of the question.

There are a number of red flags that I think will tell you a guy's a sleaze.

The whole physical attempts is by far the biggest. He constantly tries to put his hands where they don't belong, and doesn't listen to your saying that you don't want to go there? His using some lame excuse, especially the virgin that he is, that most people would be sleeping together by the third week? That's a bunch of crap, likely an attempt to resolve his own mental issues with the fact that he's still a virgin. If that's how he starts off relationships, I doubt he'll be losing it soon.

He brushed off your concerns about getting tested (one of those things I had to edit out for length, but that's why I mention it here), just because he was a virgin. Getting tested is a good habit to form early, especially when someone acts like sex is basically a mandate, like he was in your case. Good for you to stick to your guns there, even if it likely wouldn't have shown anything. If you've got nothing to hide, why would it matter?

His being "committed" and brushing you off is an aftertaste of his jerk-ness, but that's obvious.

The fact that you didn't feel "good together," by your own words, isn't necessarily a sign that he's a jerk, but more your own instincts waving the flag on your behalf. You obviously weren't comfortable by his advances; finding someone you're comfortable with is a good step in ensuring that you'll have at least some chance at making it work.

One quick note for you though: the fact that you remember all of this in such great detail, and are still thinking about it, make me think that you have not moved on fully. If you're out of this relationship, and you've dated other guys, and your mind is still wondering about it, chances are you've still got some unresolved issues here. I wouldn't doubt it, considering the way he treated physical intimacy - he violated space in a major way here, at least in the respect that you just weren't ready for that yet.

I do hope you can move on from this and not believe that most guys are like this, but just watching out for yourself is the single best way to ensure that you won't encounter this, or something like this, again. There are controlling guys out there, and as long as you're able to sidestep those in favor of kinder, more responsible guys, you should be in the clear.

I helped two of my friends who were crazy about each other get together about a year ago. Their relationship sped quickly onward. So much so there is talk of them moving in together.

Since the beginning, both confided their feelings for each other in me. As their relationship was still more cute than substantial, I felt no immediate alarm. After about a month or so, the girl started describing her feelings on what she feels comfortable and doesn't in bed with her boyfriend (the kind of stuff I really don't need to hear), on top of telling me how "far" they had gone. Whenever she speaks to me now, all she talks about is her boyfriend. She gives me play by plays of their evenings, such as whether he called her when he said he would, whether or not he spent the night, etc.

However, I have no great objections with the guy. He always approaches me with stuff in passing, and it doesn't bother me. He approaches me as well with more serious stuff seeking advice, but I never feel the friendship barrier getting crossed. I don't feel any weight or guilt as I do with the girl.

When they are together, they have the talent of making me extremely uncomfortable. For example, while I am speaking to one of them on the phone, they will start kissing on the other end. When I ask them if I should leave them be, the girl eggs the guy on until, frustrated I hang up. They have also physically crossed the line with me and have barred my way by making out in front of me when I want to get off the metro (thankfully that stopped). They still make out sometimes while making physical contact with me (i.e. a hand or a foot is on my thigh).

I have spoken to the guy, and we seem to see things differently. What I see as a certain invasion of personal space, he sees as a growth in comfort on his part. As their friend, I think the best thing for me to do would be to back off. I don't like feeling guilty for spending time with a guy when I know it irks his girlfriend. I like my friends to be happy.

How can I possibly remain friends with either when they keep shoving their relationship in my face?

--Friends become lovers, lovers irritate (third) friend

There's such a contradiction in this letter that it really makes me wonder. You don't feel the friendship barrier getting crossed with the guy, yet their hands are on your thigh while making out. Your personal space is blinking "Violation" as brightly as a city parking meter.

You're probably doing the right thing by backing away. Here are two friends of yours who feel being comfortable around you is either to a) listen to details of their sex life in a manner only a Harlequin novelist would truly appreciate, or b) be involved peripherally, like it's a turn-on to enjoy a major public PDA while your friend is feeling extremely uncomfortable. I don't remember that clause the last time I entered a friends contract.

Ultimately, I give you the same basic advice that I gave my first letter writer. Comfortability is a good step closer to a successful friendship. If you're not really feeling OK around these friends, there are plenty of other people out there willing and able to have a friendship with less strings and more conventionality.

I've been dating my boyfriend for some time now. In a few days I'm going to be heading to their house for Christmas Eve dinner.

I have a problem that's making me mad though. The last time I went over there, when I went to kiss his mom, I kissed her on both cheeks and then she planted one right on my lips. Her father almost did the same thing, and it freaked me out.

I'm sort of dreading what to do this time around. I'm not sure I can really be as polite - it just bothered me too much. Any ideas?

--Kiss and make up?

Questions like this make me glad that my editor allowed humor, feeble as it may be sometimes, in my column when it first launched.

There's always the Seinfeld method - say you can't kiss anymore, even though you want to, because it makes you uncomfortable.

Or, use a little clever tact. Instead of kiss-dancing, cheek to cheek, just offer a hug with a peck on one cheek and pull back. Since it's only the second time, she'll likely not remember the original mouth kiss. Plus, you'll have a better chance of establishing an implied non-lips policy on future visits.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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