A Word of Advice... on hooking up

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, March 28, 2005

I recently hooked up with a guy from work who I've had a crush on for a few months. We've also been pretty good friends. I'm in the process of breaking up with my boyfriend, and he knows this.

He asked for my number and said that we should hang out more, and also said that he didn't approach me before because he didn't want to ruin our friendship, and because I had a boyfriend.

So it's only been barely four days, and nothing from him YET, so I'm wondering is he waiting until my boyfriend is out of the picture, was it just a one time thing, or does he want us to be friends with benefits? We also mutually decided that us hooking up would be "our little secret," because we hang out with mostly guys at work. What does he want?

--Good things come to those who wait?

Waiting for the phone to ring is as excrutiating as waiting for someone to answer on Millionaire. Sometimes, you wish you had an "edit" button to cut out the dead air. But don't fret; I don't think this is necessarily a rejection here.

The fact that he wants to hang out more, had been interested but didn't make a move (especially because of the boyfriend) is admirable... it shows that he, unlike many, actually has self-control and the willingness to wait for a good thing.

He gave you his number, which is another good sign. I mean, if he wasn't looking for much, he wouldn't provide an easy way to reach him outside of work... if he was looking for a friends with benefits situation he would probably pursue it covertly within work, keeping himself removed if he could by not giving you ways to reach him outside the existing lines.

The fact that he actually stated the line "Man, if you were my girlfriend..." is the most telling, for me. I mean, why say that if you weren't actually thinking about that concept? It seems like too many *good* things are going on here to be some comprehensive plan to hook up with you more regularly.

You're right to note that hooking up could sabotage the later stages, but that's why we have ways to extract ourselves from a situation if it goes a way we're not happy with. Ultimately, he seems interested in a relationship, but if that doesn't come out of this, you can move on and go a different route.

Nothing I see here really says that he doesn't want you because you gave yourself up... again, back to that whole "Why all of these different things?" comment above. He wouldn't lay his hand on the table that thoroughly unless he truly wanted something more out of it.

Over the summer I worked at a camp. I became very close with my fellow staff members and we did everything together.
One night I had a party at my house with a lot of drinking. Before the end of the night eveyone was hooking up, including myself.
The next day at work the guy I hooked up with walked in he kissed me hello and the day went on. Saturday night he called me up asked what I was doing and ended up coming over to my house were once again we hooked up.
After that 2nd night we continued doing things as a group but nothing else. There was a lot of flirting going on but thats about it.
Finally I put it on the line and asked him what was going on. All I got was silence. He later asked me if we could back things off a notch or two, and I respected his wishes.
We finished camp without anything else happening between the two off us except a little flirting. Nothing else happened until one night we went out and I was drinking a little and told him how much I wanted to be with him. I think it was more like sleep with him. We got back to my place and the rest of our friends left and one thing led to another. We did not sleep with each other but we fooled around.
I was really getting over him but now that we fooled around again all the feelings are back and more now then ever. All of our friends say we are going to be together and they keep pushing him and I really think that was a big part of the problem.
I am too chicken to tell him how I feel and I think he is the same way. I really see a connection between us and find him looking at me every once in awhile. I just have no idea what to do or how to act around him. This is the first time i have ever felt this way about a guy before so i really don't want to mess this up.

--Falling hook-up, line and sinker

There are certain lines in questions that always make me wonder. For instance, the not knowing if you said you wanted to sleep with him part. The fact that you didn't was probably a good thing, as we'll see in a moment (keep reading), there are some issues here.

You say you don't want to mess this up, but your inaction might end up messing it up anyway. If you're both truly interested, *someone* has to make a move or nothing is going to happen here. I mean, an occasional flirtation or even chance to hook up is fine, but if you want more, and you think he wants more, it's better to take a chance than to keep playing with this line and then finding it was never meant to be.

Take a chance and chat with him about the subject. You might find he's as relieved as you are. But before you do, tell your friends to lay off him for a bit; nothing's worse than a pressure date that ends up failing because the guy or girl was coerced into it.

I never have hook ups unless they are drunk, I am or both. What should I do to attract sober men?

--Bed-ridden boozer

The easiest way is to not drink.

Yeah, I know. That doesn't really work for many.

But the fact is, if you're on the prowl at a party, and booze inevitably flows like Niagara at a party, finding a sober man won't work out, will it?

Part of your issue might be that hook-ups are simply easier when you've had a few. Countless studies show that alcohol lowers inhibitions. Nerves, your own personal beliefs, etc. might halt you from doing it while sober, but once the beer goggles come on, look out! The same might go for some of the guys you've hooked up with; shyness is a two-way street.

If you're looking to attract sober men for hook-ups, I'm not even sure exactly where to send you. For relationships, look around you; there's people everywhere. Find someone who enjoys a similar activity as you, and you've already got something in common.

If you're looking for something closer to sober and can't find the real thing, there's always a club; while people drink there, I know of a lot of people who will go but not get as blitzed as they would at a party because they have to still find their way back home. Plus you'll at least be able to avoid the one guy who always seems to dance the funky chicken. How has that dance lasted this long, anyway?

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

Got a question? Just ask. You could see your question published in a future column with an answer from Josh!

E-mail this page

Printer-friendly page