A Word of Advice... on hooking up

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, March 29, 2004

Before we dive in...

Hey, it's been 20 days since your last column! I've written and asked for advice three times since December with no response. What's up with that!

--What the hell happened to you?

Short answer to the first part: school came first, as did an illness. Especially seeing this is a site and column that I maintain without any assistance (it's not syndicated, meaning no deadlines and no bosses demanding it), and many times the column is written on the fly a day or two before publication, there's no contingency plan. Originally, I used the archives to fill the gap, but they're all online now. So, until I can get the time to put myself a couple of columns ahead, chances are the gaps will happen when things happen in my life.

As for your question, even answering twice a week, I won't be able to keep up with all the questions anymore. Your most recent question came in anonymously, and depending on the circumstances I've occasionally been able to respond to people personally if an E-mail address is provided (never guaranteed - I'm not paid to do this, so it's all solely free time right now). Hopefully your question or questions are still on the "to do" list, and just have been held up by the question volume - I will revisit questions if I have a chance, even if they're older.

And since we're on the subject of question volume, since I do have a ton of questions to try to burn off due to my extended break (in the past five weeks, only one column) I'm planning on running a few extra Thursday columns, when I can, to get them out there. This'll probably take a month or two to fully accomplish, and if question volume remains heavy, you can count on regular updates in the summer again this year.

Onward:

--Reformed person

We'll keep the answer simple like your question: friends who can't see past people's mistakes, especially when they've learned from them and moved on from them, aren't really friends. They may act like it sometimes, but they really don't deserve your time and energy.

Someone I know was regularly harassed for having lost her virginity. She only had sex once, but somehow that was like a violation of everything that was good in the world. She realized that she wasn't ready for sex, and hasn't had it since - but it didn't matter. Those people didn't respect her because she made one mistake.

Peoples' experiences run a wide spectrum, and judging people based on a mistake or one night's actions, in my mind, is unfair. If you've learned from your mistake, that's great. But if your friends can't be happy that this was a one-shot thing that became a life's lesson, instead of making you the grand slut of the friend circle, you might want to find a new group to hang with, one that's a little more understanding that no one's life is perfect and people can grow from their experience.

--Slippery slope

Here's your dilemma. You've let this go on for two years without a commitment. He's had the opportunity to get used to this, to think that this is acceptable behavior. You've had oral sex with him now, and are talking about losing your virginity with him, without even requiring any sort of commitment.

If you have feelings, you need to fess up now. He may decide he doesn't want to continue pursuing this, since he prefers the no strings attached option, and with your being so willing to provide it, he may think he can find it elsewhere. When friends with benefits situations go on for too long, they tend to cause problems because one person ends up wanting something more while the other one's not interested in anything but the physical. In the rare situation that it's not that, both people are too shy to speak up and voice their emotions.

I truly hope it's the latter for you, but even if it's not, look at it this way: if you tell him you're into him (skip the word "love" for now - going from physical relationship to love is a big leap too quickly for some), and he rejects you, you didn't lose your virginity to someone who apparently didn't care too much about you, a thought that could be even more painful later. You'll still have a chance of losing it with someone who really does care about you.

--To Have Friended, Sexed and Lost

Slippery Slope could use this as a lesson in what happens when a guy uses someone for the physical just because she was willing, and then ditched her. Hopefully she'll flag this as a potential problem now instead of later.

But as to your problem, Friended, he may have seen an interest, or he may have been interested in pursuing something more with you. But the jump from friendship to sex basically flagged it as a physical relationship from the get go, meaning that there's no way anything but a sexual relationship would ever exist there. When things settled down, he opted for a different route, and that awkwardness on your side no doubt has hit him, and he's backed off accordingly.

If you want to keep him as a friend, you need to disconnect the physical from the friendship and decide if you can stay friends with someone who you've slept with. Can this work? If you can get past that part of it and recapture the friendship aspect, you'll do fine. If you keep getting hit with questions such as "Will this ever happen again?" or feel feelings that are beyond what a friendship would require, you may want to reconsider whether you should be friends at all.

One note on this: don't react based on how you're feeling now - give yourself a chance to really think about things - let things die down. While it may seem impossible now, a friendship may be OK later. Just like a long-term relationship, you may need some time away from him before you can handle a friendship again. Keep your options in mind, and remember there's no need to torture yourself if a friendship just can't work anymore.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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