A Word of Advice... on hooking up

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, May 24, 2004

I was good friends with a guy before we dated. We were together for awhile and broke up a couple years ago. We still act sometimes like we are together (kissing, making out, etc...) What does this mean, and are there feelings there?

--Life after a relationship

This column's title somewhat gives away my answer to this question, so I'll attempt not to be coy here.

Your smooching and other such non-friendship activity is most likely able to be chalked up as a "hooking up" situation. If you two haven't discussed returning to a relationship, this is just a little guaranteed nookie as long as both of you are willing participants.

What can generally happen though is that one person's feelings generally get hurt, and it's generally for one of two reasons: either one person develops feelings while the other doesn't, or one person starts dating someone else, thereby forcing an end to it (and the inevitable "we shouldn't do this anymore" chat). If you're comfortable with what you've got going on, enjoy it, but just remember that anything you're doing with him, since no commitment is in place, could potentially also be shared with others as well.

I slept with a co-worker/ex the day after my birthday simply 'cause I needed some b-day loving. The problem is twofold. One, I had just started seeing another co-worker (no one, including the ex, knew about it), and I told the ex to call me (after I left her at my house to meet up with friends) and I never answered when she called. It's become awkward at work, and I don't want to talk about it. Should I just man up and talk to her, or just let it pass?

--One last time

Own up. C'mon now.

You wanted a hook-up, led on your ex into thinking something might occur again by inviting her to call her, and you were already seeing another co-worker? Tsk tsk. Trying to double-dip, especially in an office situation, is not recommended.

Chances are, if you don't tell her, she'll find out about the other relationship and put two and two together. Your new girl will likely find out about this too, and so it'll sabotage the whole situation anyway. Fess up now, and rip the bandage off, as it'll only get worse if you let it linger on.

I have a friend with whom I fell in love. She sensed it and told me she knew, felt she could definitely have a relationship with me -- I was her soulmate -- but her religious convictions stopped her from having a same-sex relationship for fear of guilt afterwards. Then one night she pursued me and we shared a very intimate time with each other, kissing and touching - she being the total aggressor.
I asked a few times afterwards if it was something she would want to have happen again. She never said no. She said each time that she did not want to talk about it because she did not want us to be anxious every time we are together, but if it happened again she wanted it to just happen like it did the first time.
That was several months ago. I have wanted so much for something to happen again, but am afraid to make a move. She does not shy away from us having opportunities, and I have expressed love and affection for her verbally and physically such as holding her hand, playing with her hair - and she has returned the affection, but nothing more.
She continues to tell me she loves me, and has equated me with two males in her life whom she has considered great loves of her life. Should I fear being the aggressor this time, is what happened between us just something that happened once, and if I pursue her she is going to tell me she can't - or am I foolish to think that?

--Rising and ebbing of emotions

I've sort of unfairly dodged this question for a few weeks now, mainly because it didn't fit a category and most of my answers seemed unsatisfactory. It hit me recently why my answers were unsatisfactory - something was leaving a bad taste in my mouth over this.

In the heat of the moment, she was the aggressor for one night. Chances are, she has never experienced this before, or if she has, not frequently. She gave it one good night... and then backed away again. Why would she do this? Could it be because of her relgious conviction? I'm not so sure of that. I've never known of anyone who's denied who they truly were because of this, although I'm sure it's happened before.

The more likely culprit probably falls into one of a couple of categories. The first one was a "one time deal" scenario - she hadn't been with a woman before, you happened to be one she was attracted to (straight and gay obviously not being purely black and white here), and gave it the ol' college try. Maybe she just wanted to see what it was like, or (no pun intended) it left a bad taste in her mouth. Whatever the case, she opted not to do it again, or maybe never intended to truly push beyond that one night.

The second scenario is that she's using religion to cover up the fact that she's really not that interested. After giving it a shot, maybe she realized it wasn't for her, whether being with you or the idea of being with women in general. But, in order to mask your feelings, some sort of complex scenario comes up. This one seems least likely to me - it's overly elaborate for a soft-landing rejection, and the hair-play and so forth that has followed would rule against it.

No, I think it's either the first option or Door #3, which we'll simply call "fear." Maybe she does indeed have a religious background, but ultimately, she knows that there's this trait in her. She could be bi, and simply denying the tendency, or she could be more or less straight, and you're the exception to the rule. But fear is driving her decision not to act on this -- a fear of what other people might think (God included, if she is indeed religious, but again in this day and age I see that as a secondary factor more than not).

Sadly, as long as she continues to play coy, you're not going to know for sure. Being the aggressor might put her off, or she might let it happen. She might not let it happen again, or she might go for it. Unfortunately, you either have to wait and see if she ever decides to go after you again, or you have to take a chance. But overall, as long as she remains in this holding pattern, it's smart to keep your options open. People have gone to amazing lengths to block or cover up same-sex attraction, and this could be just another example for the closet-case textbook.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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