A Word of Advice... on jealousy

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Saturday, August 9, 2003

I have completely fallen for a woman that I work with. We have gone out on a few occasions. On these ocassions, we have held hands and have gotten very close. We also talk on the phone constantly, sometimes for HOURS. I haven't felt like this for someone in quite sometime. But at work, she has been ignoring me something awful. There will be an ocassional smile, a "hello", and some joking around.

But, here's the biggest problem: There's another guy at work that she flirts with... definitely pays more attention to him than me. But, then we'll both get out of work and then she's "back to normal" with me. Anyway, she has told me that she doesn't like this guy (because I asked - I told her straight out that I was jealous). Anyway, am I being stupid or is there really something here that I should be concerned about? I haven't flat out told her how I feel about her but I really shouldn't have to. It's rather obvious. I was SSSOOOO upset tonight that I could have CRIED!

--She's terribly flirtatious usually

Don't cry. In fact, cheer up - the news isn't quite so bad.

Well, STFU, it's really quite simple in my mind. She flirts with other guys, but doesn't with you. Why? She probably doesn't want to put on the appearance that she's interested in you.

Office romances are always difficult. One person I had a long-term relationship with was someone I worked with for a period of time. Having people butting into my lives and asking if I was going to marry her, if we were still together, how things were going, etc. was just an annoying nuisance. Also, depending on the roles each of you hold, there could be a conflict of interest that could offend some.

So I can understand why she'd try to act disinterested in you at work. But the problem is, if she's flirtatious with all the guys at work, and then suddenly started to ignore you, it's not whether she's interested or not as much as is she making it obvious by doing that?

Have a chat with her. Tell her it's obvious to you that she's flirting with other guys at work, but your rapport with her has changed since you became interested in each other. Tell her that if she's trying to keep it on the d/l, that's fine, but on the other hand note that it's just as obvious when a mood swing of sorts hits in the direction of being less chatty and flirty with you. And while you're at it, remind her that you don't wear kryptonite at work... she can stop by and say "hi."

--Jealousy rears its ugly head

Oh, the sirens... they're so loud I can't drown them out!

Your jealousy is NOT warranted. First of all, she went with her sister. Unless you have some sort of bad relationship with her sister, I don't think she'd purposely bring your girlfriend to a bar and allow her to do all that with the intention of breaking you up.

Second, she went out, had a good time, and a guy offered a phone number and she gave him an E-mail address. While that might give be pause for concern sometimes, it doesn't this time. Why? Because I take it as her being polite. The fact of the matter is, most people are never attracted to just one person in their lifetimes. Most people date around and eventually settle down with one person. I know you might think of the cheating end, and that's possible, but I don't see it here.

The fact of the matter is, some people like to go out and have a good time occasionally. Some people will flirt a bit and enjoy the fact that other people still find them attractive. They'll build up an appetite, but ultimately they'll come home for dinner. Catch my drift? That's what I see happened here - she had a night out with the girls, so to speak, and had a bit of fun and just came home. It's really bothersome when many guys will go out and have a good time at a club, strip club, or whatever but a girl does it and she's being a tramp. Stupid double-standards.

I will qualify my answer though: if you are being controlling or never lets her go out to have a good time, which I sense might be the case by her having to hide her true destination from you, she might very well be scouting for better prospects. If you're not respecting her and trusting her, then it's not a very good relationship and I don't blame her. Walk carefully through the valley of the relationship - there's a lot of landmines, and sometimes you can be the one responsible for setting them up, only to set them off yourself. If you're being controlling, you might want to check that attitude in the overhead compartment before she takes off.

Hey - Josh got his analogies back! Two in adjacent sentences has to be some kind of record.

--Natural flirt

I can't help you save your relationship, but I can help you get away from that control freak. Are you dating the guy who wrote in the last question? Sheesh.

Some people are natural flirts. They get along well with members of the opposite sex, crack jokes of all types (including the occasional sexual innuendo), and can do so without there being a possibility of a relationship on the side. It's called friendly banter.

You don't see anything wrong with it because there isn't. You don't notice it because that's how you are. And your boyfriend, who probably assumed that your rapport with him wasn't repeated with others, now sees that you have a natural way with people. And doesn't like it?

I'm sorry, but I'm of the camp that you should not have to change who you are just to satisfy another person. If you're a guy you shouldn't have to begrudgingly join a gym so you can get the six-pack abs your girlfriend dreamed her otherwise perfect boyfriend should have, and girls shouldn't try to get the J.Lo booty just because her boyfriend finds it hot. If he can't accept you for who you are, he's not worth the time.

In my experience, there will always be some small things that couples don't like about each other, whether it be the way they slurp their soup or the way they drive their car with their knee or the way they watch Striperella just because they find even a cartoon version of Pamela Anderson enough to wax their carrot. But those differences shouldn't be relationship show-stoppers. If this one is, and he has a problem with it, find someone who doesn't have a problem with it.

Or tell him that means he's not even allowed to so much as look at another girl. And then call him on it each time it happens until he starts to wonder what happened to you. That could be more fun and be a great story to tell the guys who are willing to hang out with the lovely flirtatious version of yourself. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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