A Word of Advice... on jealousy

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, September 18, 2003

My fiance had his stag party a couple of weeks ago, and the next day he had told me that he did body shots off the waitress at the bar. I feel like he has been unfaithful to me. I am a very old fashioned kind of girl, and I was not expecting him to partake in such behavior. I am really bothered by the images in my head. I never knew what a body shot was until this occurred.

I don't want him to do it again, I know I cannot try to stop him though. He sees it only as harmless fun and he says that he would do it again. And periodically go to strip clubs and have lap dances.

My question is how do I deal with this, or should I be out there trying these things myself? I don't know if I could, part of me would like to see how he would feel if I did body shots or if I let some guy do them off of me.

Can you give me some advice on how to handle this?

--Shot to the heart

A friend of mine who was reading your question over my shoulder had this response: "You should give him lap dances and have him do body shots off of you."

I like it, but... not quite.

While it encourages you crazy kids to take your fun indoors, it doesn't solve the issue of his doing that out on the town.

Should you be trying these things yourself? You say it's not your thing earlier in the question. Sure, you can try them out to see what they'd be like, but if you didn't like it you'd be doubly upset at him and furthermore, disgusted with yourself that you went out and did these things at all. But, if you have an open mind, it's one way to go about it, as long as you don't punish yourself for just seeing what it's .

Getting him jealous doesn't do much either - it just further creates tension. The sad fact is that this is the kind of guy who you are going to marry. Maybe you didn't know about it when you started dating, or maybe you did, but he gets his jollies out of this stuff. (Mirror censor alert: I had another line there, but had to change it.) The fact is, if you try to ban him from doing it, and he eventually caves, the chances are likely he'll just go out and do it in secret. At least he's being honest.

If you can't live with this, be thankful you haven't actually tied the knot yet. If you can tolerate this, write it off as one of his faults as long as you find more positive than negative in him.

--Jealousy rears its ugly head?

My, my: me-ism is back in fashion, at least for you.

You want him all the time. But he can't hang out with his friends all the time. Who wins the tug of war?

His friends, if you keep the position you sent me. The main problem is that while it's not fair that he's ignoring you, he'll spite you for not letting him see his friends at all.

Have a chat with him, telling him you feel ignored. You need to be comfortable with his having his me time (what, you think guys appreciate the stupidly named "girls night out?") and you need to tell him so. Otherwise, a confrontational stance could result in a breakup, and your jealousy will cause an end to this relationship.

--She's a flirt, I'm in a fit

The same friend who read today's questions over my shoulder said, "My boyfriend probably says the same thing." But she also had one of those looks that said, "What's your problem?"

Some people are naturally flirtatious. They have an innuendo rapport that satisfies their need for fun. I apologize to my regular readers for reusing this line so soon, but: does it really matter where people work up their appetite as long as they come home for dinner?

It's one thing to flirt with a guy and joke around about how much he turns her on. It's a completely different thing to take that flirtatious nature into the backseat of a car. She's flirting, not cheating. Get over it. Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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