A Word of Advice... on understanding the opposite sex

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, January 31, 2005

What's the difference between a "hot" girl, a "pretty" girl, a "cute" girl, a "beautiful" girl, and a "sexy" girl? And which kind of girl are most guys looking for?

--A hot, pretty, cute, beautiful, AND sexy girl...haha, just kidding, I wish

Asking me these questions are like asking me which Spice Girl (how 1997!) I'd like to date the most. Or asking me which person I think would be the most apt to run our country.

The fact is, everything you asked me is subjective. One guy thinks blondes are really hot, while another (I'm one) prefers brunettes. One guy looks at eyes, another at boobs (well, many guys), another at her teeth (sometimes masked on match.com as "smile"). One guy thinks a sarcastic girl is a lot of fun; another prefers a more quiet kind of girl.

So asking me to define the difference between a hot girl and a sexy girl is way too hot a potato for me to even attempt to handle and I'm going to step away from the question slowly, with my hands behind my head, except to say this:

Sexy isn't always a woman, laying on her bed in Victoria's Secret lingerie. Sometimes it's the way she laughs or that odd mannerism that shows a slight glimpse of her personality. Sometimes hot isn't 36-24-36, but the fact that she just *gets* you. Sometimes beautiful isn't the fact that she doesn't have a flaw anywhere, but that she has this one flaw that makes you go wild.

The fact is, the reason you're asking this question is you're unsure where you fit into this picture. Yeah, some people have more "success" than others. But if you get right down to it, success is very subjective too. For some, success is keeping a running tally of how many people they've kissed or more (I am part of such a list "club," as it were, but mainly because it's amusing how other lists keep expanding at an exponential rate while I enjoy the comfort of my minimal, yet meaningful list). For others, success is how well a relationship goes.

I'd be willing to put bets on your knowing many who fall into the former category, girls and guys alike. Getting a trophy guy or girl is generally the first layer of success; as people mature, success evolves into finding people they'd like to have a long term relationship with, or even marry.

The fact that you're asking that question means that the number of people you've kissed is probably secondary to having a good, meaningful relationship. At that point, it's not being a hot girl, or sexy. It's about finding the elusive "all-in-one" guy - one who fits your needs and appreciates you. It's not easy, but that's why people date around until they find someone who fits that mold. If that fails, the process begins anew. But most of the time, it ends up quite fine in the end.

--We were WHAT?!?

It's not dating if both parties don't agree it's a date. That's like saying it wasn't an accident because the other driver didn't acknowledge hitting you. You're right, they're wrong.

The other thing is that dating isn't one date, so going to a movie with a guy once is as much dating as my going to Starbucks with a friend to simply chat about what's going on. If that's the case, I'm about to drink a lot less coffee. This is especially true if you're talking about hanging out with friends; unless a clear "we're stepping over the line" is established, dating is off the table.

I mean, c'mon, were these guys thinking they were going to get some action at the end of it or something? And if they were, shame on them, but they should have also made their thoughts/intentions clear.

--How to respond?

The "I'm just not attracted to you" line is probably too much of a blow, you're right. The "I think we should just be friends" line is probably better, but it needs reinforcing.

You see, some guys get it into their head that if they keep trying, they'll succeed. This, from my E-mail archive, from about a year ago:

"Hey there Josh, I'm Dan, remember? I want to inform you that through "determination", now I'm finally together with the girl of my dreams. All my efforts paid off; I managed to touch her heart. I just want to tell you that next time, before you jump to conclusions and give the wrong advice, take some time to study the situation. Everybody and every situation is different. You really shouldn't be so negative. No hard feelings......Bye!"

Dan's clearly in the minority in terms of his success; my encouragement for him not to be so stubborn was in a direct response to him being one of those guys who you mention in your letter. My suspicion is that if I E-mailed him today to ask the status of that relationship, it would be a firm "it's over" sort of answer.

Reinforcing your "friends" line with a more stern statement if they continue to persist means they deserve a blow to the ego, hence pulling that "not attracted" line as a secondary line of defense. Of course, if they continue beyond that, dropping your friendship with them, and eliminating as much contact with them as possible, is the third and final step.

Danny may or may not have thought through the possibility of a "pity date," where a girl does it just to shut the damn guy up. Don't do that; it only encourages the wrong behavior.

Why did I call him Danny that last time? Because his question and how he was attempting to get the girl made it seem like he was a 10 year old throwing a tantrum at the local Toys R Us because he wasn't getting what he wanted and then proceeded to keep asking and trying until mom finally threw in the towel. Guys, there's a right way and a wrong way to woo a girl... don't be so persistent as to be perceived an ass. Confucius said so.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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