A Word of Advice... on understanding the opposite sex

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Thursday, June 16, 2005

How do you get a girl to let you finger her?

--Touchy question

So, you want to lend her a hand?

Girls come in all shapes and sizes, and so do their priorities. The slutcom 4 girls (like the one from last week) have no issue with getting physical early on, and often. Others are more traditional in the sense that they'd rather wait, let the relationship hit the ground running, and allow things to blossom before going that route.

Either way, girls find desperation horribly unattractive. If a guy is looking to get going with a girl and tries to "get" a girl to do anything, her womantuition starts screaming bloody murder and she hits the eject button extremely fast. The slutcom 4s aside, getting her to do anything just doesn't work - she's not a toy built for a man's pleasure, after all.

The best chances for it happening are simply to let the relationship progress as it should. If she's not ready, and you care about her, waiting shouldn't be an issue. If that's such a sticking point for you that you'd rather leave than wait, I'm sure a slutcom 4 or two will be willing to let you go there.

I have to say though that I find your end game amusing: getting permission to finger her. It's not sex, not marriage, fingering. That leaves me intrigued enough to want to know why.

Hopefully my answer isn't longer than the conversations you've been having lately, but what you're going through is somewhat common.

He may feel guilty about having to let you down, or may be worried you have feelings for him still. It's possible the friends line was a nice way of letting you down too, considering his sudden allergic reaction to conversation with you. I think that getting back to the way it was is definitely possible, but it'll take time. After all, you both went to a place many friends don't go, and that now factors into the history the two of you have.

It's a matter of being patient and reassuring him that friendship is what you're after, not trying to get him back.

--Age factors?

Your question has nothing to do with the first part of your letter, but I'm a bit under word count, so we'll hit on it all, in bullets.

• Her leaving the relationship could have been because of a change in her. Many people are finding themselves and evolving heavily throughout the ages of 18 to 23. College is the first taste of freedom, and that leaves many to start realizing who they really are. Those changes could have changed her needs and wants enough to decide the relationship wasn't working for her.
• While it's true that many college students just enjoy hooking up on occasion and being free, there's just as many who are in steady relationships (leaving those who aren't to gripe about the heavy hooking up going on around them). Older guy/younger girl theory is pretty straight-forward - it happens, it's quite common, and the only effects it has is if the age difference creates different priorities. She's not offering much in the way of explanations, so it's hard to tell if that's a factor.
• But winning her back is a topic I've covered so many times here, and goes back to my first letter-writer: don't be desperate, and don't try hard. Just be there for her as a friend, something which is possible since you two are still talking, and if she has a change of heart, you're there. And don't close yourself to other options - who knows when something great will come along.

Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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