A Word of Advice... on understanding the opposite sex

By Joshua O'Connell
Posted Monday, August 4, 2003

How do you know when a guy really does like you and is not interested in sex? The guy could be drunk but still could be interested.

--Can drinks tell the truth?

That's quite true. A good friend of mine has given me a mantra that I've recently chanted on more than one occasion: drunken words, sober thoughts.

But. If a guy really does like you and is not just interested in sex, he would likely have given you some sort of hint in the past. Maybe he bumped into you while you were heading to class and said hello. Maybe he's been in a class and passed you a glance or two. Or maybe he hasn't done things quite so "Leave it to Beaver," but usually if someone's interested, unless they're extremely shy they would've given you some sort of clue.

If a guy's approaching you at a party, there's probably a couple of signs that you can tell that he's in it for a hook-up. If he is doing things like whispering in your ear instead of yelling over the music, he's probably trying to turn you on instead of start a relationship. If he's all over you, grinding and refilling your beer just as your glass hits the table, he's probably trying to take advantage of you. If he comes over, talks, and so on and wants to find out about you, instead of finding out if your lipstick will come off on his face (and how much so he has a visible sign of his conquest the next morning), then you might've found someone.

Remember, though, that people do things drunk that they normally won't do when they're sober (drunken words, sober thoughts). So if that extremely shy guy is talking to you now, not only might he be shy the next day, but also might be completely embarrassed that he approached you at all the night before. So if you were into him and you'd like to pick things up again, make the next move.

Just remember another drunken credo that many chant: whatever happens drunk stays drunk; don't bring it to soberland. There's always the chance that even the interest was beer-induced, even if there were no hook-up wishes. So keep that in mind when you approach that cute guy the next day, and if things work out, all the better.

--They want jerky boys

I'm sure that all women walk around saying "I haven't been cheated on lately. Let me find a guy that'll do that."

There are girls who are attracted to the "bad boy" type. But there's really no chart that shows what kind of guys will do what things. Alcohol, personal beliefs, "in the moment" situations, etc. can all lead to cheating. Acting like a jerk can happen just because of a fight. Beating them is a whole different situation though; that's not something the average guy does, and if they do, the girl needs to turn, run, and get counseling. Fast.

The problem with nice guys is that they are seen as great to hang around with, so they become friends. And once that is locked in, it can be difficult to break out of it.

So what to do? Well, if you meet a girl you're interested in, and you're a nice guy, get to know her a bit, and then ask her out before she's locked in the "just a friend" mentality. That's really the best chance. The Ross/Rachel "Friends" thing, when they ended up getting together over a year later, doesn't really happen that often.

But then there's that whole thing that many people believe where eventually, at some point, one or both friends will develop feelings for the other person. That could be understandable, considering many times people meet friends because something catches their eye - that's the same way they meet people that they're interested in dating. Of course, it doesn't always happen that way, so I don't buy that whole thing, but it does happen.

Unless you establish yourself early as being interested in the other person, it can be difficult, and most will just take it as a joke if they're complaining about their boyfriend and you say you'll treat them right. So establish early, and if it doesn't work, don't brood on it.

--Good lovers are decent

I'll be glad to tell you, GLAD. Many people are screwed up. Or at least think they are.

Having a good relationship is intimidating to some who've been burned repeatedly in the past. For others, they just aren't ready for "the one." For still others, they prefer the aforementioned "bad boys."

The problem with both of the previous questions is the age involved. Of course college isn't going to be the time many people find the right person or get all that fun out of their system before being ready to settle down. Some people don't need to have all the "fun" of dating around, or more, before settling down, while others do. And college is still a very early age for many to settle down with someone really decent.

Of course, college is also the time where many people are going through lots of changes in their lives, and are evolving as people. So those who are looking for nice people in the end might not be when they're in college. So, to answer your question, it's not necessarily being scary about being good, it's more that many aren't looking for that right now. That does change for some over time, and if you don't believe me, look at some of the advice questions that other columnists, and even myself, get about being over 30 and not finding a nice guy/girl or "the one." Good luck, and thanks for asking.

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